The Manning-Chargers Curse

Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts just lost on NBC Sunday Night Football. Their opponent? The San Diego Chargers. Why do I care? Well, because I'm a Chargers fan and I've long surmised that Peyton and his brother Eli suffer from a Chargers curse.

What's that?

Yep. A Chargers curse. Started by Eli and his overrated dad, Archie Manning.

You see, in 2004, Eli and his overrated dad, Archie Manning, went on record as saying that they didn't want Eli to play for the San Diego Chargers. The reason? Apparently, the San Diego Chargers weren't a team that was committed to winning.

Never mind the logical fallacy involved in a team whose purpose is to make money and that, to make money, winning is a necessity. And never mind the fantastical fallacy involving the existence of curses. I'm ranting. Deal with it.

So... ignoring the fact that Peyton Manning defeated the Chargers the first two times he played them (in 1998 and 1999, long before Eli snubbed the team), his record against San Diego since is 2 wins and 5 losses. Peyton's worst record against any team in the NFL. In fact, Peyton only has losing records against two other teams, and both of those are 0-1.

And, yep, it's his brother and overrated father's fault. Before I continue, some stats:

• Eli's record versus the Chargers is 0-2.
• Their overrated father's record as a starter is 0-3, and Archie's never even been on the roster of a team that's defeated the Chargers in a game.
• Speaking of not being "committed to winning," the Chargers' overall record since the snub is 73-34 (and 3-6 in the playoffs), with no losing seasons. The New York Giants' (Eli's team) record since the snub is 62-45 (4-3 in the playoffs) with one losing season. (If this sounds familiar, I've ranted along these lines before: Ode to Eli Manning.)

Which brings us to Peyton, who is part of the curse via blood relations with the snubber and his overrated father. Sure, he beat the Chargers in 2004, the year of the snub, but he lost to them in 2005 and twice in 2007 (once in the playoffs). Sure, he beat the Chargers in 2008 in the regular season, but the Chargers knocked him out of the playoffs (again) that same year. And, oh, yeah, Peyton and the Colts lost last night... 36-14. And Peyton threw 4 interceptions.

Of course, the curse isn't all all bad... the Manning brothers have each won a Super Bowl. Then again, Peyton lost his second Super Bowl to the New Orleans Saints. The Saints quarterback that game? Drew Brees. Who, oh, yeah, was the Chargers QB when the curse began.

Kinda makes me wish the Chargers would play one of the Mannings every game.

Questions I've Been Asked

I'm bored and can't sleep, so I've decided to write about several questions that have been asked of me lately. Why? Well, I figure if I write the answers down, nobody will ask me those questions again. Hey, I hate repeating myself. I mean, I really hate repeating myself. I just really, really don't like repeating myself.

Q1. Why aren't you writing about the Presidential candidates?
A1. Because I don't really care at this point in time. Ron Paul and Mike Gravel are ultra-wingers who, while they belong in national politics and are needed, don't need to be in the White House. Romney appears to be a fraud, and is hiding something, as is Obama. Speaking of, Obama and Clinton are merely riding their "making history" trains, to the point of being irritating. Huckabee is, well, Huckabee. McCain is playing both sides of the train tracks. And Edwards and Giulani are now officially out (thank the maker). And that's how I feel about that.

Q2. Why aren't you in Los Angeles?
A2. Several reasons: 1) financial trouble stemming from a few years back finally caught up to me, 2) legal trouble stemming from a couple of years back made staying on the West Coast a precipitous proposition, 3) military trouble from a few years back is haunting me. That's it in a nutshell.

Q3. Why aren't you actively pursuing your writing career?
A3. My computer sucks... seriously... to the point of really pissing me off, causing me to purposefully limit my computer time (and, hence, my writing time). And outside stressors, while nowhere near debilitating, keep my mind on those stressors.

Q4. Why don't you like Philip Rivers?
A4. I don't dislike him, I'm just not entirely convinced yet. He's no Drew Brees, and he let Eli Manning beat him to a Super Bowl.

Q5. Why don't you take one of those government jobs you qualify for?
A5. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Been there, done that, won't do it again until I have more influence.

Q6. Why aren't you finishing up grad school?
A6. Because I'm picky (sorry, ECU), my computer sucks, and I have other things on my mind.

Q7. What do you think of the title of the new James Bond movie?
A7. I like it, if only because it's an Ian Fleming title. Although I can see how aesthetically "non-movie-Bond" it is. At least it's not something really stupid like Attack of the Clones.

Q8. Why don't you like the newer Star Wars movies?
A8. Bad acting, bad directing, bad story, over-the-top effects, and a general disregard for established story continuity a bad movie does make.

Q9. Why are you so hard on Battlestar Galactica?
A9. Because it started out so great, then turned to shit. I usually don't make across-the-board statements, but anyone who actually liked Season 3 is an idiot.

Q10. Why do you think we should restructure the military?
A10. Because we're wasting money. Money that could be used in making our military bigger.

Q11. Since you want to join the WGA, why aren't you supporting them in the current strike?
A11. I am now, at least more than I was. But prior to their dropping of some of their demands, they were being a bunch of whiny morons.

Q12. Why aren't you more specific in some of your writings?
A12. Because I'm lazy, and specificity by nature requires a lot of repetition... and I hate repeating myself. Repeating myself pisses me off, and only makes me hate repeating myself even more.

Super Bowl XLII: Whom to Root For?

Well, my Chargers lost in the early game last Sunday. It sucks, but they put up a good game, and Mr. Cool (Tom Brady) was clearly upset at how much the Chargers defense was fucking with him. But, the Chargers still lost, so my attention had to shift to the Green Bay Packers, my new favorite for the Super Bowl.

Only... the Packers lost, too.

So here I am, wondering which team to root for in the upcoming Super Bowl. I don't have any special dislike for the Patriots, I just really don't want to see them go 19-0 on the season. But I really don't want to see Eli Manning win a Super Bowl. Ever.

For the record, the only teams I truly dislike are the Oakland Raiders, and the San Francisco 49ers. I used to hate the Dallas Cowboys, but as a fan of Wade Phillips and an admirer of Bill Parcells, my hatred for them has waned as of late. I don't even dislike the New York Giants, I just really, really hate Eli Manning.

So, who do I root for? Only the Giants stand in the way of the Patriots' perfect season. Which means Eli Manning stands in the Patriots' way. That sucks. Maybe I'll get lucky and the Patriots defense will end Eli's career à la Joe Theismann; then I'll feel content with rooting for the Giants.

Then again, I'm an AFC/AFL fan, and I would rather see the AFC win the Super Bowl every year. Ugh... Not to mention that I would love to see Junior Seau and Rodney Harrison finally receive those Super Bowl Rings that they've long deserved. Double ugh...

Ah, fuck it. Go Patriots.

Chargers Ain’t Disappointin’ No Mo'

Earlier this season I wrote that I would be disappointed in the Chargers if they didn't finish with at least 12 wins. They started horribly at 1-3, stumbled to 5-5, and then pulled away to 11-5. An awesome feat, obviously, but still disappointing. 11 wins are not 12.

And then they won their twelfth last week, in their first playoff victory since their AFC Championship season when I was still in high school. Another awesome feat, granted, but it didn't count. They were, after all, 0-4 in the playoffs since they won that AFC title.

But, today, they beat the Indianapolis Colts (again) 28-24, taking their overall record this season to 13-5, and their playoff record since the aforementioned title to 2-4.

They are, quite simply, no longer a disappointment. Hell, they even emphasized their versatility today by playing Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson's backups for extended periods.

Of course I'm rooting for the Chargers all the way to the Lombardi Trophy, but even if they lose next week to the Patriots, they've earned their berth in the pantheon of the NFL's elite.

Now, if only Eli Manning will lose today... that'll cap a perfect evening.

An Agnostic Form of Government

Keith Ellison, the first Muslim elected to the U.S. Congress, was sworn in yesterday. As a Muslim, he chose not to swear in on the Bible, but on the Qur'an. And not just any Qur'an, mind you, but Thomas Jefferson's personal copy of it. Of course, now that this has happened, Virgil Goode is probably going to convince his constituents that Thomas Jefferson should be dug up and impeached.

The fact that there was even a controversy as to what book an elected representative could or could not swear in upon is not a good sign of the times. We are a country founded on religious freedom. Founded. This was not some post-modern semi-liberal concept that came from the struggle for civil rights or from a pot-smoking sax-playing former President. We were founded on the concept. Freedom for all, regardless of religious persuasion.

Given that, what difference does it make if Mr. Ellison swore in on the Qur'an, the Torah, the Bhagavad Gita, or, why not, the Kama Sutra? Given that, it shouldn't make any difference. Why would you want a public servant to swear on a book that represents something other than his or her beliefs, anyway? Doesn't that sort of negate the whole concept of swearing?

Still, there are those, including myself, that feel that we shouldn't use any type of holy scripture as a pretext to government service. I understand the traditions behind it, and I have no fundamental problem with it, but we are, or should be, an agnostic form of government, and should operate as such.

There's an easy solution, I think, to the holy book problem. One that is as nationalistic as it is appropriate. Why don't we swear our public officials in on a copy of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence? Our public officials are not elected to serve any one god, or gods, they are elected to serve us, the people, this country. We have two documents that represent the very fabric of this nation. Two documents that are, fundamentally and philosophically, the very fabric of this nation. By swearing our officials in on those two documents, we ensure that they are swearing in to serve us, to serve the United States of America. Not the Christian States of America, not the Islamic States of America, not the Taoist States of America, but the UNITED States of America. And if there were ever an elected official that refused to swear in on those two documents, I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be many people opposed to taking their office away from them.

And, while we're at it, what's wrong with taking "under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance? It really doesn't bother me that those words are in it, but come on, now. "One Nation, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All" sounds just fine to me.

We are, or should be, an agnostic form of government.

Pointless Musings

What would we make toilet paper out of if there weren't any trees?

The O.C. has been cancelled. There are brains in Hollywood. Now if only we could get rid of One Tree Hill.

A 12-year-old special education student was charged with disorderly conduct after wetting her pants. Wow. I'd be serving a life sentence if I were charged every time I pissed myself. Okay, that's not true... it'd be a double.

I just saw a question on the Internet. Basically, who would you rather invite to a party: Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, or Lindsay Lohan? I'd have to say Paris Hilton, because she looks the easiest to knock out when she gets annoying.

Eli Manning's team record in the regular season since he joined the NFL is now a whopping 25-23. The Chargers? A measly 35-13.

All I Want for Christmas...

Well, it's Christmas Eve. One day to go. And, given the nature of the high-tech world we live in today, I figured I can get one more request to Santa in, via the oh-so-wonderful world of MySpace. Yes, Santa has a MySpace page. Don't let it fool you, at first glance his profile makes him look like a simple fat guy with a reindeer fetish, but the elves are a dead giveaway. He's a complicated fat guy with a reindeer fetish AND an elf fetish.

Anyway, my list is a modest one, so let's begin...

1. World peace. No, scratch that. It'll never happen anyway.
2. Bigger yard for my dogs. I'm getting real tired of the beagle moving his poop around so I can't help but step in it. And don't think I don't know you're doing it on purpose, asshole.
3. Higher alcohol tolerance. Holy shit, I'm a lightweight again. Well, scratch this one, too... it's keeping my bar tabs low.
4. New car. An Aston Martin is preferred, but I'll take anything that costs over $60k and doesn't look like a rapper drives it.
5. New job. That last one I had was essentially a rip-off. You want me to take over marketing? At what salary? My response: "I quit, have a nice Christmas."
6. My unemployment check. You gotta love those. Freeloading jerk-offs. Wait a sec...
7. Less snow. Much, much less snow. And more heat. Much, much more heat.
8. Oakley to be a little more clear on their replacement policy. I'm going to be confused about that for a while, I'm sure.
9. Four years without mention of a Bush or a Clinton.
10. The Chargers to win the Super Bowl. Win, not just get there.
11. An HDTV that costs more than my new car. And is bigger. With accompanying DTS+ sound system. I'm a glutton, what can I say?
12. Eli Manning to break his leg. Does Santa tackle at the knees?
13. My cats to quit pissing on my stuff because they think the snow is my fault.
14. I'm going to break down and ask for an iPod. If there was ever anyone in need of an uplifting soundtrack for life, it's me at this very moment. Although I hate iPods... and cell phones... and indoor plumbing... the stone age was much simpler, man.
15. Adjustable sample rates on MySpace profile songs, in case I'm ever stuck with dial-up again... I can't hear my own damn profile songs.
16. A trip to Europe, a trip to Africa, a trip to Asia, a trip to South America, and a trip to Australia. I'd ask for a trip to Antarctica, but ever since I saw March of the Penguins, I'm afraid that one of those baby-stealers will try to take my unborn children.
17. Dinner in Hawaii.
18. The USA to figure out what the fuck it's doing in the Middle East. No, scratch that one, too... doesn't look like that's ever going to happen, either.
19. Baseball and hockey to shorten the length of their seasons. And for baseball to expand its playoffs. It is, after all, America's favorite pastime. Or was, until that last strike... funny how Canada's favorite pastime becomes more popular after a strike, isn't it? Damn northern liberals. It's all a conspiracy. Go Ducks!
20. To have that fantastic indie music that's exploding just below the radar to replace that crap pop music that's imploding everywhere else.
21. To have the weddings I'm invited to outnumber the funerals. I'm really tired...
22. To rebuild all of the bridges I've purposefully or inadvertently burned over the last 28 years.
23. Ah, fuck it... Peace on Earth.
24. Her.

Ode to Eli Manning

I am, it's no secret, a Chargers fan. Die hard. I grew up on Dan Fouts and Kellen Winslow, and the bolts have never left my system.

It's also no secret that I absolutely fucking hate Eli Manning. It's no secret that EVERY Chargers fan absolutely fucking hates Eli Manning. Eli Manning, to put it simply, is a piece of shit.

Eli, for those that recall (and even those that don't), snubbed the Chargers on draft day in 2004 when he declared that he didn't want to play for San Diego because, more or less, the team wasn't committed to winning.

So what did the Chargers do? They drafted him anyway, then traded him away for Philip Rivers and three draft picks. One of those draft picks wound up being Nate Kaeding, the best Chargers kicker since John Carney. Another became Shawne Merriman, perhaps the best outside linebacker in the NFL. So, in those regards, thanks Eli, you stupid punk.

And now the rub... since the Eli debacle (his real name is "Elisha," mind you), the Chargers have gone 12-4, 9-7, and are currently 9-2. The Giants? Well, they went 6-10, 11-5, and are currently 6-5. That's an overall record of (San Diego) 30-13 to (New York) 23-20.

Who's committed to winning?

Damn sure ain't Eli...

The State of the Chargers

Monday night is when it all begins, fellow Chargers fans. Monday night, versus the recently sorry Raiders, we get to have our first preview of whether or not the Chargers took a step back, maintained their pace, or did indeed make a leap forward.

Regardless of which they've done, I must admit that football this year is going to be more interesting for me than it has since, oh, the Chargers last went to the Super Bowl. This new interest isn't just sparked by the new team, either. In fact, at the center of it all are three people who aren't even Chargers players.

Let's start with the least controversial: Drew Brees. Say what you want about this guy; I love him. He sparked the Chargers back to "fuck Eli Manning" (hell, AND Peyton Manning) respectability. He took us to our only playoff game since Stan Humphries was under center. He was a great leader on an improving team and, I believe this entirely, given another few years, he would've been the face of the Chargers... sort of like a little known guy named Fouts. But, A.J. Smith, a very smart and devious man decided to fuck Mr. Brees, and now the New Orleans Saints have him. For this reason, I will be watching two teams this season... the Chargers... and, of course, the Saints.

Since I've already mentioned him, let's swing to A.J. Smith. Even though Bobby Beathard managed to stock the Chargers to a Super Bowl, I'm of the opinion that A.J. Smith is the best GM that San Diego has had since, well, ever. One might be able to argue the quality of the "Air Coryell" team, but one might also be able to argue that only the offense of the "Air Coryell" team was quality. Anyway, A.J. Smith... a smart, selfish, and very devious man... the best GM in Chargers history. If anyone thinks for a second that A.J. Smith didn't smile when Drew Brees went down at the end of the 2005 season, you're dead wrong. Smith, like Butler and Beathard before him, LOVES to play his own players, his own draft picks, his own acquisitions. If you recall, Drew Brees was not his, but Butler's. If you don't believe me, look who else the Chargers have let go at seemingly inexplicable times: Seau, Harrison, shit, even Leslie O'Neal. Face it... we always get prima donna general managers.

To the point... this is Smith's year to prove he's a genius, or to prove he's an idiot. Should Brees do well (or even decent) and Rivers fail in any measure of the word, Smith will forever be known as "that guy." Should Brees falter and Rivers do well, or even if they both do well, then Smith will escape the guillotine. Personally, as someone who was in North Carolina for the entirety of Rivers' collegiate career, I hope they both do well, but I still can't help but feel that Smith screwed Brees... and loved doing it.

The third person that will make this season interesting? Well, it's more like a family and not an individual person. Yep, you guessed it... the Spanos family. Although I have a future rant reserved for the possibility of the Chargers leaving San Diego, I figured I'd mention them here for posterity's sake.

Well, enough about what I think... let's just start wishing for a winning season... and maybe, just maybe, a run at Super Bowl XLI. I've got my fingers crossed for Rivers, McNeill, and McCree, the three pieces that are supposed to (almost) complete the Chargers' puzzle (although Rivers is more of a replacement piece than a new one). And yes, I'm crossing my fingers for Steve Foley, as well. It's not every day that a Chargers player gets shot three times, no.

I'd also like to mention that I was recently afforded the opportunity to chat with Cecili Chadwick, the hottest Charger girl of all time (mid to late 90s, for those who follow that sort of thing). She's super-hot, super-smart, and super-intimidating. And she's super-hot.

Go Bolts!