Christmas wish-lists are everywhere these days. No longer just the realm of a child or significant other writing a cute little note to parents or lover, these things have been usurped by the likes of Amazon.com and its ilk. Not only that, Christmas wish-lists (at least in my experience) prove to be largely unsuccessful.
I mean, how many of us are still waiting for that fucking pony? Or super-deluxe limited edition Optimus Prime? Yeah, I thought so. I guess this also subtly means that Christmas wish-list recipients are disingenuous bastards.
So, here's a Christmas un-wish-list of things I absolutely do not want for the upcoming holidays:
1. Socks or underwear - hey, asshole, I'm perfectly capable of getting these myself. Not to mention they're cheap, which means you're cheap, and I hate cheap... particularly when it comes to presents. "It's the thought that counts" is utter bullshit. And what does that mean, anyway? You were thinking of smelly feet and sweaty crotch? Yuck. Get away from me.
2. A self-help book, or any religious or spiritually-themed book. Sorry, dude (or dudette... yes, I just used "dude" and "dudette"), but your annoying attempt at believing that your beliefs can solve all of the problems that you perceive I have just annoyed me that much more. Again, get away from me.
3. A Celine Dion CD - yes, even I'll admit that she puts out the occasional brilliance, but she's so naively stupid, the mere thought of her can make me sick. And it's likely to be a $5 Celine Christmas album, which brings up the cheap thing again. Dick.
4. Random gift cards - the press is right, gift cards can be superbly ridiculous gifts, particularly if you give me one for Bed, Bath, & Beyond, or give a girl one for Best Buy. Gift cards already suggest you started shopping for us a bit too late, so at least get us something that we'll want to use. And, oh by the way, cash is great, too. Snarky editorials are wrong about that one. I'll definitely accept cash with a smile. Which brings me to...
5. Christmas cards. This is the 21st century, not the Renaissance. Christmas cards are no longer a valid excuse for your painstaking acknowledgement that you remember I exist. That's what mass e-mails are for. Don't send me a Christmas card unless it constitutes a visit to the bank on Boxing Day.
6. A pony - that's right, a pony. Back when mom and dad paid for everything, this would've been cool, but since I'm now responsible for my expenses, buying me something so expensive to maintain is likely to warrant you receiving a special delivery of horse shit in the near future. And this goes for any animal that I haven't expressely suggested that I want.
7. Small kitchen appliances - um, if I needed a toaster, or a microwave, or a George Foreman, I'd go get one myself. Unless I'm a college kid moving away for the first time, stay out of my kitchen.
8. DVDs from the cheap bin. Chances are, if the movie is any good, I already have the damned thing. And let's not forget you're being cheap again.
9. Collectibles of things I collect. Yes, this one might seem a bit weird, but something that non-collectors apparently don't quite grasp is that most collectors are very, very picky of the things they hoard. Trust me, unless you acquired something during an overseas trip, we've already had an opportunity to acquire whatever it is you think you're being clever by buying for us. And there's a reason we didn't acquire it. So there's absolutely no reason you should... unless you really like seeing false smiles and experiencing false gratitude.
10. Combination birthday/Christmas gifts. Yes, I'm one of those unfortunate souls who was born on a date that falls rather close to Christmas. Please don't remind me of your cheapness and unwillingness to shop for me twice by getting me two cheap gifts, pretending they are one moderately expensive gift, and writing "Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas" on the wrapping. That just makes me want to light your hair on fire.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Showing posts with label DVD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DVD. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The Gasoline Hypocrisy
Gas is expensive. No shit. We all see it driving down the highway; we all feel it paying at the pump; we all complain incessantly about it whenever we damn well please. It sucks, and it sucks worse that high gas prices are likely here to stay.
But... what are we doing about it? Complaining? Yes, we've already established that. Berate ExxonMobil and the other large petroleum companies? Oh, yes... damn their profits. Damn them. Never mind that they are companies and they exist solely to turn a profit. Fuck it. They're easy targets. Still, what the hell are we doing about it?
Have any of us started new carpools to get to work and back? Have any of us started planning shopping trips with our friends and neighbors in order to save that precious gas and cut down on congestion? Have any of us jumped into the world that is public transportation?
Short answer: no, no we have not.
Oh, we'll complain. Oh, we'll adjust our spending to buy fewer DVDs and more generic groceries in order to accomodate our growing fuel costs. But, no... we'll be damned if we give up our personal rides in order to look like the dork riding in his friend's passenger seat. Appearances and status are everything, and, fuck me, it's worth $4 per gallon.
And besides, the growing clamor of so-called "worldy" people pointing out the fact that Europe and Asia spend WAY more on gasoline than we do is somehow causing us to justify putting up with expensive fuel. Call it the frog in the pan trick.
We're idiots. All we do is complain and do nothing to alleviate the problem. Buy a Prius? For what? About 45 to 50 miles per gallon? Shit, a Geo Metro did better than that, and that was 15 years ago.
No, we have at our fingertips a multitude of ways to help ourselves, but we won't do it. Hell, we could force high school kids to take the school bus. How much gas would that save? Probably not an insignificant amount.
Anyway, before I start to ramble too badly, I need to wrap it up. Basically, change your driving/riding habits or shut the fuck up and pay the $4.
We're all just whiny-ass hypocrites.
But... what are we doing about it? Complaining? Yes, we've already established that. Berate ExxonMobil and the other large petroleum companies? Oh, yes... damn their profits. Damn them. Never mind that they are companies and they exist solely to turn a profit. Fuck it. They're easy targets. Still, what the hell are we doing about it?
Have any of us started new carpools to get to work and back? Have any of us started planning shopping trips with our friends and neighbors in order to save that precious gas and cut down on congestion? Have any of us jumped into the world that is public transportation?
Short answer: no, no we have not.
Oh, we'll complain. Oh, we'll adjust our spending to buy fewer DVDs and more generic groceries in order to accomodate our growing fuel costs. But, no... we'll be damned if we give up our personal rides in order to look like the dork riding in his friend's passenger seat. Appearances and status are everything, and, fuck me, it's worth $4 per gallon.
And besides, the growing clamor of so-called "worldy" people pointing out the fact that Europe and Asia spend WAY more on gasoline than we do is somehow causing us to justify putting up with expensive fuel. Call it the frog in the pan trick.
We're idiots. All we do is complain and do nothing to alleviate the problem. Buy a Prius? For what? About 45 to 50 miles per gallon? Shit, a Geo Metro did better than that, and that was 15 years ago.
No, we have at our fingertips a multitude of ways to help ourselves, but we won't do it. Hell, we could force high school kids to take the school bus. How much gas would that save? Probably not an insignificant amount.
Anyway, before I start to ramble too badly, I need to wrap it up. Basically, change your driving/riding habits or shut the fuck up and pay the $4.
We're all just whiny-ass hypocrites.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
The WGA Strike: an Exercise in Greed, Power, and Stupidity
I'm sure everyone is aware of the Hollywood strike perpetuated by the Writer's Guild of America. It's all over the news, you're starting to notice your favorite TV shows disappear gradually, and everyone's about to get sick of reality programming.
This strike, in and of itself, is ridiculous, and will do Hollywood as an institution a Hell of lot more harm than it will "empower the writers to continue to produce commercial concent." And here's why:
Although there are several issues on the table at the negotiations between the AMPTP and the WGA, the one experiencing the hottest contention is the debate over how much money writers should be paid for web and new media content (such as webisodes of popular television shows, web-only shows, and direct downloads of shows and films). On the AMPTP side, they're claiming that the financial model for such a system isn't quite yet hammered out, and they're not sure how exactly they should distribute fees and residuals to the writers. The WGA is claiming that's a load of bullshit, and wants its money.
Now, according to several reports, the AMPTP has offered the WGA the same setup used to determine DVD and home video residuals. There's a bit more to it, but that's it in essence. To this, the writers resoundingly said "no."
Let me back up a bit... I wholeheartedly agree with the writers in that they should be paid for their work. However, I vehemently disagree that they should be paid for their work "in perpetuity." This is partially because I believe product should, ultimately, enter the public domain after a set number of years (and not a lengthy set, either), but that's almost another matter entirely, and I do not currently have the time to go over it.
Long story short: the WGA is wrong for instigating the strike when they did. Next year, the SAG and the DGA unions are going to approach the AMPTP to restructure their contracts, as well. Why couldn't the WGA have waited until then? Simply sign a one-year extension and have all three of the "power guilds" negotiate at the same time? By then, the AMPTP's argument about "not knowing how to pay for webisodes and downloads" would have been moot, having been given a year to figure it out.
But, no, Hollywood writers are, by nature, a greedy lot, and having already been slighted over "proper due credit" in film and television (an issue I agree with the WGA on), they aren't about to give up their so-called "pennies on the dollar."
If you find yourself siding with the writers on this, I ask you to go to the WGA website and look up their schedule of fees. These writers are extremely well-compensated for their work, most making more for a single script or a teleplay than many Americans make in an entire year. And, yet, they're claiming they don't make enough money.
There is more to this story, and, yes, I do feel that the WGA should ultimately win out on this issue, but they (along with SAG and the DGA) need to realize that they can only bite the hand that feeds them so many times. When an institution gets too top-heavy, it simply collapses, and then everyone is shit out of luck.
All that being said, my overall problem with the WGA is that they (again, along with SAG and the DGA) have not just the ability to force their own work-stoppages, they have the ability to shut down the entire American movie-making business. When these unions strike, it's not just them that feels the heat, but the hundreds and thousands of "below-the-line" workers who find themselves suddenly out of jobs. And most of the people who comprise IATSE (the largest Hollywood union, and the one which holds most of the technical and worker-bee personnel) don't make 25% of what the people in the WGA, SAG, and the DGA make.
Seriously... the next time you strike, make damn certain the "facts" you bring to the table are ironclad. And quit forcing me to find other jobs.
So, to the writers, despite the fact that I wish to eventually join the WGA, go fuck yourselves.
This strike, in and of itself, is ridiculous, and will do Hollywood as an institution a Hell of lot more harm than it will "empower the writers to continue to produce commercial concent." And here's why:
Although there are several issues on the table at the negotiations between the AMPTP and the WGA, the one experiencing the hottest contention is the debate over how much money writers should be paid for web and new media content (such as webisodes of popular television shows, web-only shows, and direct downloads of shows and films). On the AMPTP side, they're claiming that the financial model for such a system isn't quite yet hammered out, and they're not sure how exactly they should distribute fees and residuals to the writers. The WGA is claiming that's a load of bullshit, and wants its money.
Now, according to several reports, the AMPTP has offered the WGA the same setup used to determine DVD and home video residuals. There's a bit more to it, but that's it in essence. To this, the writers resoundingly said "no."
Let me back up a bit... I wholeheartedly agree with the writers in that they should be paid for their work. However, I vehemently disagree that they should be paid for their work "in perpetuity." This is partially because I believe product should, ultimately, enter the public domain after a set number of years (and not a lengthy set, either), but that's almost another matter entirely, and I do not currently have the time to go over it.
Long story short: the WGA is wrong for instigating the strike when they did. Next year, the SAG and the DGA unions are going to approach the AMPTP to restructure their contracts, as well. Why couldn't the WGA have waited until then? Simply sign a one-year extension and have all three of the "power guilds" negotiate at the same time? By then, the AMPTP's argument about "not knowing how to pay for webisodes and downloads" would have been moot, having been given a year to figure it out.
But, no, Hollywood writers are, by nature, a greedy lot, and having already been slighted over "proper due credit" in film and television (an issue I agree with the WGA on), they aren't about to give up their so-called "pennies on the dollar."
If you find yourself siding with the writers on this, I ask you to go to the WGA website and look up their schedule of fees. These writers are extremely well-compensated for their work, most making more for a single script or a teleplay than many Americans make in an entire year. And, yet, they're claiming they don't make enough money.
There is more to this story, and, yes, I do feel that the WGA should ultimately win out on this issue, but they (along with SAG and the DGA) need to realize that they can only bite the hand that feeds them so many times. When an institution gets too top-heavy, it simply collapses, and then everyone is shit out of luck.
All that being said, my overall problem with the WGA is that they (again, along with SAG and the DGA) have not just the ability to force their own work-stoppages, they have the ability to shut down the entire American movie-making business. When these unions strike, it's not just them that feels the heat, but the hundreds and thousands of "below-the-line" workers who find themselves suddenly out of jobs. And most of the people who comprise IATSE (the largest Hollywood union, and the one which holds most of the technical and worker-bee personnel) don't make 25% of what the people in the WGA, SAG, and the DGA make.
Seriously... the next time you strike, make damn certain the "facts" you bring to the table are ironclad. And quit forcing me to find other jobs.
So, to the writers, despite the fact that I wish to eventually join the WGA, go fuck yourselves.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Things You Thought You Knew... But Didn't
Lemmings do not commit suicide. This was a wives tale further perpetuated by Disney filmmakers who forced some lemmings to jump off a cliff in order to catch the "natural phenomenon" on film.
"When the Stars Go Blue" is not a Tim McGraw song. Like most country "stars," McGraw had to resort to singing a cover song in order to prove he still had talent. In fact, name me a popular country song that isn't a cover.
The "Dark Side" of the Moon isn't always dark.
Ensign was originally an Army rank. Modern navies adopted the rank when they needed an equivalent to army Second Lieutenants (which, ironically, were originally called Ensigns).
Henry Ford neither invented the car nor the assembly line. The modern car is attributed to Karl Benz (of Mercedes Benz fame) and the assembly line was the work of Ransom Olds (of Oldsmobile).
The Sahara Desert is not the largest desert in the world. Antarctica is.
Christopher Columbus was not the only person who thought the world was round. Most people did during his time, actually. Christopher Columbus simply thought the East Indies were much closer "the other way around the globe" than they actually were. Ironically, Columbus' opponents were the ones who claimed the East Indies were a long way away, making Columbus ultimately wrong, but very, very lucky.
The acronym DVD did not originally stand for "Digital Video Disc." It originally stood for "Digital Versatile Disc" (due to its multiple capabilities), but has since devolved into also standing for "Digital Video Disc" thanks to the ignorant stupidity of the public.
The term "Immaculate Conception" has little to do with Jesus. It refers to Mary's lack of original sin at her conception.
George Lucas did not write the novelization of Star Wars. Alan Dean Foster did. Mr. Lucas simply took credit for it for the last couple decades. Mr. Lucas also did not write the screenplays for The Empire Strikes Back nor Return of the Jedi. Makes one wonder how those two films wound up being the best two of the six, eh?
"When the Stars Go Blue" is not a Tim McGraw song. Like most country "stars," McGraw had to resort to singing a cover song in order to prove he still had talent. In fact, name me a popular country song that isn't a cover.
The "Dark Side" of the Moon isn't always dark.
Ensign was originally an Army rank. Modern navies adopted the rank when they needed an equivalent to army Second Lieutenants (which, ironically, were originally called Ensigns).
Henry Ford neither invented the car nor the assembly line. The modern car is attributed to Karl Benz (of Mercedes Benz fame) and the assembly line was the work of Ransom Olds (of Oldsmobile).
The Sahara Desert is not the largest desert in the world. Antarctica is.
Christopher Columbus was not the only person who thought the world was round. Most people did during his time, actually. Christopher Columbus simply thought the East Indies were much closer "the other way around the globe" than they actually were. Ironically, Columbus' opponents were the ones who claimed the East Indies were a long way away, making Columbus ultimately wrong, but very, very lucky.
The acronym DVD did not originally stand for "Digital Video Disc." It originally stood for "Digital Versatile Disc" (due to its multiple capabilities), but has since devolved into also standing for "Digital Video Disc" thanks to the ignorant stupidity of the public.
The term "Immaculate Conception" has little to do with Jesus. It refers to Mary's lack of original sin at her conception.
George Lucas did not write the novelization of Star Wars. Alan Dean Foster did. Mr. Lucas simply took credit for it for the last couple decades. Mr. Lucas also did not write the screenplays for The Empire Strikes Back nor Return of the Jedi. Makes one wonder how those two films wound up being the best two of the six, eh?
Friday, May 5, 2006
Star Wars Returns
Well, well, back by popular demand are the original versions of the holy grail of motion picture trilogies: Star Wars. All I can say is: it's about fucking time.
In 1977, a movie was released that damn near everyone who was breathing O2 at the time fell in love with. A movie cursed with 70s technology, a 70s disco influence, flat acting, and a premise so derivative, Oprah would have crucified its author. That movie was, we all know, Star Wars (back then, no one called it "A New Hope," because the nerds hadn't ruined the franchise yet). It was followed by the superior The Empire Strikes Back, and the technically superior, but sublimly ridiculous (thanks to the Ewoks), Return of the Jedi. With these three movies, George Lucas fulfilled his ultimate dream... or so we thought.
Fast forward to the late 1990s, and George, without a hit movie since the last Indiana Jones entry (whose credit, I'm sorry, is more due Steven Spielberg than Lucas), decides to rerelease the original Star Wars Trilogy in theaters. Audiences and fanatics everywhere are inspired, especially as the recently announced new trilogy officially moves into preproduction. The catch, my friends, is that George wanted to "alter" his beloved creations, under the auspices of "improving" them ("Beware the Darkside and its false pretenses," Yoda would have said).
So what do we get? A Han Solo that shoots in self-defense, thereby eliminating his entire growth-from-scoundrel-to-true-hero story arc. A Luke Skywalker that accidentally falls instead of defiantly resisting Darth Vader's will (a mistake that Lucas subsequently reversed in the arguably worse Special Edition DVDs). And a capital city of an Empire that celebrates the very moment its ruler is killed.
All in all, other than the misplaced nostalgia of finally seeing the Han Solo/Jabba the Hutt scene in Episode IV, the only worthy alteration in the "Special Editions" (special eds, for short) are the windows in Cloud City. Everything else: stupid.
Disclaimer: for the purposes of saving time and space, the author's comments pertaining to the horrible Special Edition DVDs and the absolutely appaling "Prequel Trilogy" will be reserved for a future weblog entry. Except for the following comment:
Episodes I, II, and III, can kiss my motherfucking ass! True Star Wars fans hate these movies, sorry, but it's easy to recognize the change in tone (how do you make Star Wars relevant? Umm... you don't), the change in pace (MTV, thanks for making these movies damn near incoherent), and the change in story (literal changes, too, exactly how many contradictions between the two trilogies are there?).
Anyway, these true Star Wars fans have, it seems, finally forced the hand of Lucasfilm, LTD. and 20th Century Fox. Our beloved movies are coming to DVD (packaged with the Special Editions, of course... I guess we can't ask for too much).
In 1977, a movie was released that damn near everyone who was breathing O2 at the time fell in love with. A movie cursed with 70s technology, a 70s disco influence, flat acting, and a premise so derivative, Oprah would have crucified its author. That movie was, we all know, Star Wars (back then, no one called it "A New Hope," because the nerds hadn't ruined the franchise yet). It was followed by the superior The Empire Strikes Back, and the technically superior, but sublimly ridiculous (thanks to the Ewoks), Return of the Jedi. With these three movies, George Lucas fulfilled his ultimate dream... or so we thought.
Fast forward to the late 1990s, and George, without a hit movie since the last Indiana Jones entry (whose credit, I'm sorry, is more due Steven Spielberg than Lucas), decides to rerelease the original Star Wars Trilogy in theaters. Audiences and fanatics everywhere are inspired, especially as the recently announced new trilogy officially moves into preproduction. The catch, my friends, is that George wanted to "alter" his beloved creations, under the auspices of "improving" them ("Beware the Darkside and its false pretenses," Yoda would have said).
So what do we get? A Han Solo that shoots in self-defense, thereby eliminating his entire growth-from-scoundrel-to-true-hero story arc. A Luke Skywalker that accidentally falls instead of defiantly resisting Darth Vader's will (a mistake that Lucas subsequently reversed in the arguably worse Special Edition DVDs). And a capital city of an Empire that celebrates the very moment its ruler is killed.
All in all, other than the misplaced nostalgia of finally seeing the Han Solo/Jabba the Hutt scene in Episode IV, the only worthy alteration in the "Special Editions" (special eds, for short) are the windows in Cloud City. Everything else: stupid.
Disclaimer: for the purposes of saving time and space, the author's comments pertaining to the horrible Special Edition DVDs and the absolutely appaling "Prequel Trilogy" will be reserved for a future weblog entry. Except for the following comment:
Episodes I, II, and III, can kiss my motherfucking ass! True Star Wars fans hate these movies, sorry, but it's easy to recognize the change in tone (how do you make Star Wars relevant? Umm... you don't), the change in pace (MTV, thanks for making these movies damn near incoherent), and the change in story (literal changes, too, exactly how many contradictions between the two trilogies are there?).
Anyway, these true Star Wars fans have, it seems, finally forced the hand of Lucasfilm, LTD. and 20th Century Fox. Our beloved movies are coming to DVD (packaged with the Special Editions, of course... I guess we can't ask for too much).
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