I watched Curse of the Golden Flower for the first time last night and was thoroughly unimpressed. I had heard that the film was the box office record holder in China, so I figured it must be great. Not good. Great.
Only, it wasn't even okay. It stunk.
Curious as to why so many purported Chinese would love this movie, I decided to research the story. To see, like several popular Chinese action films, if it was based at all in truth. So far, I've found squat. It's just a chaotic mess of a movie that seems to have "Asian is cool" fanboys in an uproar over what amounts to an exercise in futility and ridiculousness. Ah, well.
At any rate, I decided to write about 10 movies that most people I know tend to love, and that I actually hate. How unlike me, right?
1. Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace. George Lucas' really bad version of the Bible, with Anakin Skywalker as Jesus Christ. Absolute crap.
2. Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones. The film with what had to be the single most retarded scene ever to grace the silver screen: Yoda bouncing around the screen like a pinball. Star Wars fanboys loved it. And you all know what I think of Star Wars fanboys.
3. Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith. Ugh, why bother?
4. Anchorman. I've written about this before. It was dumb. I fell asleep. Will Farrell is hit or miss, and he definitely missed with this one.
5. Charlie's Angels. Sue me. I can't sit through this all the way. Next to George Lucas, Drew Barrymore deserves the "kill childhood fantasy" award. Not only was the script stupid, the acting sucked, none of the actresses (even Lucy Liu) could hold a candle to any of the original Angels (Farrah, Jacklyn, Kate, and Cheryl). I have no fucking clue how a sequel got greenlit. Praise Allah that McG lost out on directing the Superman film.
6. The Searchers. Oh, yes... John Ford and John Wayne's staple of film school. Even Spielberg claims he watches it just before he directs a new movie. My question is: why? It feels a bit sloppy. Most of the acting is subpar. And the climax is, quite simply, a letdown. I guess I should watch it again, but I seriously don't get it. Maybe I missed something.
7. The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Up until this film, I would have claimed that Steven Spielberg had never directed a truly bad film (even 1941, which makes me chuckle). But this... this wretched followup to the uber-great Jurassic Park... left me scratching my head. Ian Malcolm's daughter doing gymnastics in the middle of a jungle to knock out a velociraptor? Um, no. And let's not bring up the horrible casting behind that particular character.
8. The Matrix Reloaded. That's right, the second film in the trilogy. Nearly every person I know is in agreement that the third film was horrid, but I lay claim that the second was pretty fucking bad, too. Admittedly, it was better during a second (forced) viewing, but then again, I didn't pay $7 to see it. Any society who throws a rave while their doom is impending deserves to lose any rights to a sequel.
9. The Da Vinci Code. Boring. Great plot. Bad story. Very boring. I've written about how overrated I think Dan Brown, the book's author, is, but even I figured the near-great Ron Howard could make a kick ass movie out of the plot he was handed. I was wrong. I never thought I'd say this, but I'd be very glad should Tom Hanks not do the sequel should it be made. Until this film, I thought he could pull any role off. I was wrong.
10. Mission: Impossible 2. The unofficial Tom Cruise as James Bond film, complete with Anthony Hopkins as M. Seriously. How derivative can a film be? Let me rephrase that: how unoriginal, uninspired, campy, and crappy can a film be? And this was before Tom Cruise turned insane...
Anybody feel like adding to this list, feel free.
Showing posts with label Attack of the Clones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Attack of the Clones. Show all posts
Monday, April 9, 2007
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Star Wars and its Inconsistent Jedi
In honor of the original, non-Special Edition Star Wars DVD release:
It's no secret that I absolutely hate the "Prequel Trilogy" of Star Wars. And by hate, I mean totalitarian hate. The only saving grace is the fact that the uber-beautiful Natalie Portman is in them. Other than that, I cannot name a single positive aspect about The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith. Even their titles are stupid, save for Revenge of the Sith. Hell, I'm still trying to figure out exactly what "the phantom menace" is. A code word for bad movies? Yeah, that must be it.
Anyway, it's my hypothesis that George Lucas, while a visionary and an adept businessman, is a bad director (a fact that NO ONE can disagree with) and a horrible, horrible writer. Face it, people, he got lucky with American Graffiti. Other than that, and his "different at the right time" short films, he's crap. He didn't write The Empire Strikes Back, the best of the series, nor did he write Return of the Jedi. He didn't even write the novelization to Star Wars, a fact that recently crept into the limelight, despite taking credit for it for the last 30 years.
What's worse is that, when he does write, he takes no account for what is already written. I mean, is there anyone else that was wondering why Anakin and Obi-Wan simply didn't "Force push" those stupid metal-eating droids off of their fighters at the beginning of Revenge of the Sith? And why wasn't Morgan Freeman Mace Windu instead of Samuel L. Jackson? Oh, wait... Lucas is a businessman, not a director, that's why.
Okay, that's enough... on to the purpose of this "Inconsistent Jedi" rant... the, well, inconsistencies of the Star Wars movies. I'm not going to go over all of them, mind you, but enough to prove that Lucas had no clue what he was doing when it came to the prequel trilogy. Some of these are admittedly weak, but their very existence should help convince you of Lucas' ineptness when writing. Now... on to the show...
- In Episode IV, Darth Vader seems mum over the significance of his home planet. Anyone think that's a little, I don't know, weird?
- In Episode IV, Owen purchases C-3PO and R2-D2, quite obviously having never seen them before. It is revealed in Episode II, however, that Owen LIVED with C-3PO and had MET R2-D2 when Anakin showed up.
- In Episode IV, Beru, over conversation, implies that she knew Anakin rather well ("he has too much of his father in him."). In Episode II, they met for what? Two minutes?
- In Episode IV, Obi-Wan rather blatantly points out that he's never owned a droid (much less R2-D2). Um, yeah... should I even explain this one?
- In Episode IV, Obi-Wan states that Owen didn't want Anakin to get involved in the Clone Wars, which, among other things, implies that Owen and Anakin grew up together. In Episode II, the Clone Wars had just about started by the time Owen and Anakin met for the first time.
- Related to the previous point, in Episode IV, Obi-Wan states that Owen didn't want Anakin to leave Tatooine. Yet, when they finally meet in Episode II, Anakin wasn't exactly living on Tatooine, was he?
- Episode IV – Obi-Wan states that Darth Vader was a "young Jedi." In the prequels, Darth is clearly a Sith honorific.
- Episode IV, V, & VI – R2-D2 knows nothing. Episode III? R2-D2 knows EVERYTHING.
- A little more specific, in Episode V, R2-D2 clearly does NOT know Yoda. Episodes I, II, and III? Yes, yes he does.
- Episode V – Obi-Wan implies that he was not aware of Leia (also, his actions in Episode IV imply that he didn't know, but this is arbitrary)(conversely, in Episode VI he is quite clear that he knows who she is, although Yoda may have told him in Episode V)... BUT... Episode III – Obi-Wan was present during the twins' birth.
- Episode V – Obi-Wan clearly states that he was instructed by Yoda and in Episode VI, Obi-Wan clearly reiterates this. In Episode I, Obi-Wan is taught by none other than Qui-Gon Jinn.
- Episode VI – Leia states that she remembers her real mother. Episode III – Padme dies during childbirth. I guess this means that Leia's cognitive memory formed at an early age, right?
- Episode V – in delirium, Luke repeatedly moans "Yoda" and nobody seems to know what it means. Episode III – Chewbacca and Yoda were clearly friends (sure, Luke and Han may not have mentioned Yoda to anybody, but how likely is that?)
- Episode V – Darth Vader does not recognize C-3PO, despite having built him in Episode I (true, Vader never actually saw C-3PO in person in the original trilogy, but come on...).
- Episode V – Darth Vader does not seem to know who R2-D2 is (and vice versa). Episode I, II, & III? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
It's no secret that I absolutely hate the "Prequel Trilogy" of Star Wars. And by hate, I mean totalitarian hate. The only saving grace is the fact that the uber-beautiful Natalie Portman is in them. Other than that, I cannot name a single positive aspect about The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith. Even their titles are stupid, save for Revenge of the Sith. Hell, I'm still trying to figure out exactly what "the phantom menace" is. A code word for bad movies? Yeah, that must be it.
Anyway, it's my hypothesis that George Lucas, while a visionary and an adept businessman, is a bad director (a fact that NO ONE can disagree with) and a horrible, horrible writer. Face it, people, he got lucky with American Graffiti. Other than that, and his "different at the right time" short films, he's crap. He didn't write The Empire Strikes Back, the best of the series, nor did he write Return of the Jedi. He didn't even write the novelization to Star Wars, a fact that recently crept into the limelight, despite taking credit for it for the last 30 years.
What's worse is that, when he does write, he takes no account for what is already written. I mean, is there anyone else that was wondering why Anakin and Obi-Wan simply didn't "Force push" those stupid metal-eating droids off of their fighters at the beginning of Revenge of the Sith? And why wasn't Morgan Freeman Mace Windu instead of Samuel L. Jackson? Oh, wait... Lucas is a businessman, not a director, that's why.
Okay, that's enough... on to the purpose of this "Inconsistent Jedi" rant... the, well, inconsistencies of the Star Wars movies. I'm not going to go over all of them, mind you, but enough to prove that Lucas had no clue what he was doing when it came to the prequel trilogy. Some of these are admittedly weak, but their very existence should help convince you of Lucas' ineptness when writing. Now... on to the show...
- In Episode IV, Darth Vader seems mum over the significance of his home planet. Anyone think that's a little, I don't know, weird?
- In Episode IV, Owen purchases C-3PO and R2-D2, quite obviously having never seen them before. It is revealed in Episode II, however, that Owen LIVED with C-3PO and had MET R2-D2 when Anakin showed up.
- In Episode IV, Beru, over conversation, implies that she knew Anakin rather well ("he has too much of his father in him."). In Episode II, they met for what? Two minutes?
- In Episode IV, Obi-Wan rather blatantly points out that he's never owned a droid (much less R2-D2). Um, yeah... should I even explain this one?
- In Episode IV, Obi-Wan states that Owen didn't want Anakin to get involved in the Clone Wars, which, among other things, implies that Owen and Anakin grew up together. In Episode II, the Clone Wars had just about started by the time Owen and Anakin met for the first time.
- Related to the previous point, in Episode IV, Obi-Wan states that Owen didn't want Anakin to leave Tatooine. Yet, when they finally meet in Episode II, Anakin wasn't exactly living on Tatooine, was he?
- Episode IV – Obi-Wan states that Darth Vader was a "young Jedi." In the prequels, Darth is clearly a Sith honorific.
- Episode IV, V, & VI – R2-D2 knows nothing. Episode III? R2-D2 knows EVERYTHING.
- A little more specific, in Episode V, R2-D2 clearly does NOT know Yoda. Episodes I, II, and III? Yes, yes he does.
- Episode V – Obi-Wan implies that he was not aware of Leia (also, his actions in Episode IV imply that he didn't know, but this is arbitrary)(conversely, in Episode VI he is quite clear that he knows who she is, although Yoda may have told him in Episode V)... BUT... Episode III – Obi-Wan was present during the twins' birth.
- Episode V – Obi-Wan clearly states that he was instructed by Yoda and in Episode VI, Obi-Wan clearly reiterates this. In Episode I, Obi-Wan is taught by none other than Qui-Gon Jinn.
- Episode VI – Leia states that she remembers her real mother. Episode III – Padme dies during childbirth. I guess this means that Leia's cognitive memory formed at an early age, right?
- Episode V – in delirium, Luke repeatedly moans "Yoda" and nobody seems to know what it means. Episode III – Chewbacca and Yoda were clearly friends (sure, Luke and Han may not have mentioned Yoda to anybody, but how likely is that?)
- Episode V – Darth Vader does not recognize C-3PO, despite having built him in Episode I (true, Vader never actually saw C-3PO in person in the original trilogy, but come on...).
- Episode V – Darth Vader does not seem to know who R2-D2 is (and vice versa). Episode I, II, & III? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Friday, May 5, 2006
Star Wars Returns
Well, well, back by popular demand are the original versions of the holy grail of motion picture trilogies: Star Wars. All I can say is: it's about fucking time.
In 1977, a movie was released that damn near everyone who was breathing O2 at the time fell in love with. A movie cursed with 70s technology, a 70s disco influence, flat acting, and a premise so derivative, Oprah would have crucified its author. That movie was, we all know, Star Wars (back then, no one called it "A New Hope," because the nerds hadn't ruined the franchise yet). It was followed by the superior The Empire Strikes Back, and the technically superior, but sublimly ridiculous (thanks to the Ewoks), Return of the Jedi. With these three movies, George Lucas fulfilled his ultimate dream... or so we thought.
Fast forward to the late 1990s, and George, without a hit movie since the last Indiana Jones entry (whose credit, I'm sorry, is more due Steven Spielberg than Lucas), decides to rerelease the original Star Wars Trilogy in theaters. Audiences and fanatics everywhere are inspired, especially as the recently announced new trilogy officially moves into preproduction. The catch, my friends, is that George wanted to "alter" his beloved creations, under the auspices of "improving" them ("Beware the Darkside and its false pretenses," Yoda would have said).
So what do we get? A Han Solo that shoots in self-defense, thereby eliminating his entire growth-from-scoundrel-to-true-hero story arc. A Luke Skywalker that accidentally falls instead of defiantly resisting Darth Vader's will (a mistake that Lucas subsequently reversed in the arguably worse Special Edition DVDs). And a capital city of an Empire that celebrates the very moment its ruler is killed.
All in all, other than the misplaced nostalgia of finally seeing the Han Solo/Jabba the Hutt scene in Episode IV, the only worthy alteration in the "Special Editions" (special eds, for short) are the windows in Cloud City. Everything else: stupid.
Disclaimer: for the purposes of saving time and space, the author's comments pertaining to the horrible Special Edition DVDs and the absolutely appaling "Prequel Trilogy" will be reserved for a future weblog entry. Except for the following comment:
Episodes I, II, and III, can kiss my motherfucking ass! True Star Wars fans hate these movies, sorry, but it's easy to recognize the change in tone (how do you make Star Wars relevant? Umm... you don't), the change in pace (MTV, thanks for making these movies damn near incoherent), and the change in story (literal changes, too, exactly how many contradictions between the two trilogies are there?).
Anyway, these true Star Wars fans have, it seems, finally forced the hand of Lucasfilm, LTD. and 20th Century Fox. Our beloved movies are coming to DVD (packaged with the Special Editions, of course... I guess we can't ask for too much).
In 1977, a movie was released that damn near everyone who was breathing O2 at the time fell in love with. A movie cursed with 70s technology, a 70s disco influence, flat acting, and a premise so derivative, Oprah would have crucified its author. That movie was, we all know, Star Wars (back then, no one called it "A New Hope," because the nerds hadn't ruined the franchise yet). It was followed by the superior The Empire Strikes Back, and the technically superior, but sublimly ridiculous (thanks to the Ewoks), Return of the Jedi. With these three movies, George Lucas fulfilled his ultimate dream... or so we thought.
Fast forward to the late 1990s, and George, without a hit movie since the last Indiana Jones entry (whose credit, I'm sorry, is more due Steven Spielberg than Lucas), decides to rerelease the original Star Wars Trilogy in theaters. Audiences and fanatics everywhere are inspired, especially as the recently announced new trilogy officially moves into preproduction. The catch, my friends, is that George wanted to "alter" his beloved creations, under the auspices of "improving" them ("Beware the Darkside and its false pretenses," Yoda would have said).
So what do we get? A Han Solo that shoots in self-defense, thereby eliminating his entire growth-from-scoundrel-to-true-hero story arc. A Luke Skywalker that accidentally falls instead of defiantly resisting Darth Vader's will (a mistake that Lucas subsequently reversed in the arguably worse Special Edition DVDs). And a capital city of an Empire that celebrates the very moment its ruler is killed.
All in all, other than the misplaced nostalgia of finally seeing the Han Solo/Jabba the Hutt scene in Episode IV, the only worthy alteration in the "Special Editions" (special eds, for short) are the windows in Cloud City. Everything else: stupid.
Disclaimer: for the purposes of saving time and space, the author's comments pertaining to the horrible Special Edition DVDs and the absolutely appaling "Prequel Trilogy" will be reserved for a future weblog entry. Except for the following comment:
Episodes I, II, and III, can kiss my motherfucking ass! True Star Wars fans hate these movies, sorry, but it's easy to recognize the change in tone (how do you make Star Wars relevant? Umm... you don't), the change in pace (MTV, thanks for making these movies damn near incoherent), and the change in story (literal changes, too, exactly how many contradictions between the two trilogies are there?).
Anyway, these true Star Wars fans have, it seems, finally forced the hand of Lucasfilm, LTD. and 20th Century Fox. Our beloved movies are coming to DVD (packaged with the Special Editions, of course... I guess we can't ask for too much).
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