A Penny Gets You Two Cents

Well, people, they're at it again... a bunch of lazy, money-wasting morons want to get rid of our beloved penny for good. "Nobody wants to carry them around," they claim. "They can't buy anything," they say.

Alas, while I'm inclined to agree, I also recognize the institution known as TRADITION, and we should always have a small copper coin with good ol' Abe Lincoln resting on it in nice relief. I mean, what the Hell are we going to do Wednesday nights at the local bar? Have "Nickel Night?" Fuck that... Penny Night or nothing, I say.

Wait, wait... before you go taking advantage of that "nothing," I have a proposition. One so simple, it's sickening nobody thought of it first.

Print "Two Cents" on the back of the penny instead of "One Cent."

I mean, shit, there's a two-dollar bill, isn't there? Why not a two-cent coin? That makes multiple dead birds with only one small stone.

Think about it... the value of copper is increasing, and the estimated cost of making a penny will be about 1.23 cents. That's the first time in history the cost of the penny exceeds its value, which is why the movement for getting rid of it is gaining a shitload of momentum (it's bad when the Treasury Department and various Mints support the idea now... what's odd is that the nickel costs more than five cents to make, too... but there's no talk of getting rid of that). So, "TWO CENTS" underneath the Lincoln Memorial makes a ton of, well, sense.

1. It solves the cost/value problem
2. For a small (read: cheap) modification to the existing moldings, the Mints can effectively increase their output by 100% (or something like that)
3. There's no more idiotic controversy wasting people's time and money
4. There's more incentive to use them, since, shit, they're worth more

Interestingly enough, the man responsible for the legislation that is trying to kill the penny, Representative Jim Kolbe of Arizona (who also tried to kill the penny in 2001), wants to increase the production of the two-dollar bill (as well as the one-dollar coin).

So I pose this question to him: What better way to kick off the number two than by making a two-cent penny?