Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Where Am I Going?

When I was in the Army, I thrived on two things: disinformation and chaos. It wasn't that I liked not knowing what was going on or what was going to happen, it's just that I was very good at handling it. Take it in quickly, adjust necessarily, move on. Did that for almost seven years.

Of course, like all things, I got very tired of it, and wanted something new. I think I got my wanderlust from my father... I'm incapable of staying in one place or doing one thing for very long. In fact, the very act of returning to a place I've already lived constitutes a failure for me. I'm supposed to be moving forward, not in a circle. And, unfortunately, in a circle I presently am.

What's worse is that I'm caught in a flurry of disinformation and chaos. Only now I don't know how to deal with it. A plan nine years in the making was recently destroyed by a person I used to care a great deal for. Used to, mind you... used to. Still, it was the motivational equivalent of getting hit by a truck. Slammed, spun around, and legs broken. In other words: not going anywhere.

I'm incapable of writing seriously, I hardly sleep at night, I can't even commit much time to my job hunt. Why? Well, my mind is caught up planning other things... things I'd rather not publish here.

So? Where am I going? According to the now defunct plan, I was supposed to going to Hollywood, adding money and resume to my quest of becoming a screenwriter and producer. I was supposed to have well over $10,000 to support myself in the initial months. I was supposed to be living with two or three roommates in a small house with a fenced backyard for my dogs. Basically, I was supposed to be happy. This year, more than any other year, was to be the best year of my life.

Unfortunately, my career and life are going nowhere. I'm stuck, screwed, and scratching my way back, not to the top, but just to the standing position. And the only thing I can think seriously about is not even moving forward, but taking care of the person who so efficiently and spitefully took care of me.

Where am I going? Well... where else is a soldier to go?

To war.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


Posted by Joe on August 30, 2006 - Wednesday - 10:06 PM

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