Neologisms, for those who don't know, are "new words" created to, well, replace old words and phrases. For those who don't get it: neo = new; logo = word; hence, "neologisms," the "s" being an indicator for plural.
And, since I don't have anything better to do, here are eight neologisms that we should adopt into our vocabularies. Why? Because I fucking said so.
bin Laden
Function: verb
Replaces: taking a shit
Use: "Where have I been? Bin Laden."
Cruise control
Function: noun
Replaces: psychological examination
Use: "My boss recommended me for a Cruise control after I jumped up and down on couch, professing my love for a girl who reminds me of Sloth from The Goonies."
Janet tab
Function: noun
Replaces: pasty
Use: "It's a good thing that teeny-bopper was there to cover me after my boob popped out. All I had on was a Janet tab."
Juicers
Function: noun
Replaces: glove and knife
Use: "Yeah, I whacked my ex-wife. But I left my juicers at the scene. I hope I don't get caught."
Kate baby
Function: noun
Replaces: infant - specifically, an infant born solely to protect the sexuality of a parent still in the closet
Use: "You see that guy from Top Gun? I hear he's about to have another Kate baby."
Lewinsky
Function: verb
Replaces: blowjob - specifically, a blowjob received in an attempt for the giver to obtain a promotion or other special recognition
Use: "Yeah, she gave me a Lewinsky. And I almost got impeached for it. The bitch."
Rocket
Function: noun
Replaces: steroid - specifically, a steroid used to enhance athletic prowess
Use: "No, I never used Rockets when pitching in the Major Leagues."
Stevens tubes
Function: noun
Replaces: Internet
Use: "Oh, yeah. I travel through Stevens tubes all the time. I especially like Wikipedia."
And there you go... write Merriam-Webster today and get these words into our official lexicon.
Showing posts with label Katie Holmes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Katie Holmes. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Art & Entertainment Musings
I'm so very bored, and we all know what that means... yes, yes... this is the week that all men prepare themselves for the football game of the year, and all women prepare themselves for its commercials (if that's not a stereotypically sexist statement, I don't know what is).
Katie Holmes has apparently been dropped from the Batman sequel. I think I just converted, because this is proof that there must be a higher power. She sucked in Batman Begins, and there's a shot in which she resembles Sloth from The Goonies. Good riddance.
Rachel McAdams is the rumored replacement for Holmes, by the way.
Chris Daughtry's album is selling well. He's a good guy, in my opinion, but he's also highly overrated. That throat-trill needs to go. There's no gimmick in music that gets older faster (except for five sorta hot British girls with stupid nicknames singing bad songs). Still, he gets kudos for that National Anthem rendition at the NFC Championship game.
There's a movie called Teeth that deals with the supposed male-oriented fear of "vagina dentata." It's supposed to be good, but I wouldn't know. I'm still in disbelief that somebody made this movie.
Some so-called "conservative family groups" are whining about Dakota Fanning's rape scene in her new movie, Hounddog. Um... why? If you can't handle such serious and realistic subject matter, put your blinders on and go watch a different movie.
Have you ever read a lot of bad poetry in a row? Have you ever read someone who writes poetry, but basically just writes the same poem over and over again, with different words? I have, and it made me sick. I've never wished illiteracy on anybody... until now.
The only thing worse than the aforementioned poet's poetry are his so-called song lyrics. Ugh.
The singer Brandy, who might be charged with involuntary manslaughter stemming from a death in a traffic accident, is now being sued by the dead woman's family for $50 million. You know, tragedy is tragedy, but Brandy hasn't even been found guilty yet. And I'm well aware that you can't really put a price tag on a life, but does anybody else think that this family is more concerned with "cash cow" than they are with mourning?
After a couple of years of wondering if Screech from Saved By the Bell was actually cool, it's been confirmed that, no, he's definitely an idiot.
Prison Break and 24 are off to fantastic starts in 2007. Heroes remains overrated and painfully derivative, yet somehow maintains my interest. Battlestar Galactica is officially a stinker. When the Hell does Lost start back up?
Smokin' Aces looks to be painfully painful. But the glutton in me just can't resist. Besides, after watching Lucky Number Slevin, I think I can handle another cheesy hit man movie.
Rage Against the Machine is supposedly reuniting temporarily to play at Coachella this year. Right on. I just hope this means that Audioslave isn't going anywhere.
Television hit Grey's Anatomy seems to be in a bit of a bind, doesn't it?
The best comic book series of the 21st Century, Warren Ellis' Planetary, is about to come to a close. Do yourselves a favor and pick up the trade paperbacks. Phenomenal stuff.
Coming full circle, there's a rumor that Katie Holmes might end up being the new Wonder Woman. I take back what I wrote earlier about a higher power.
Katie Holmes has apparently been dropped from the Batman sequel. I think I just converted, because this is proof that there must be a higher power. She sucked in Batman Begins, and there's a shot in which she resembles Sloth from The Goonies. Good riddance.
Rachel McAdams is the rumored replacement for Holmes, by the way.
Chris Daughtry's album is selling well. He's a good guy, in my opinion, but he's also highly overrated. That throat-trill needs to go. There's no gimmick in music that gets older faster (except for five sorta hot British girls with stupid nicknames singing bad songs). Still, he gets kudos for that National Anthem rendition at the NFC Championship game.
There's a movie called Teeth that deals with the supposed male-oriented fear of "vagina dentata." It's supposed to be good, but I wouldn't know. I'm still in disbelief that somebody made this movie.
Some so-called "conservative family groups" are whining about Dakota Fanning's rape scene in her new movie, Hounddog. Um... why? If you can't handle such serious and realistic subject matter, put your blinders on and go watch a different movie.
Have you ever read a lot of bad poetry in a row? Have you ever read someone who writes poetry, but basically just writes the same poem over and over again, with different words? I have, and it made me sick. I've never wished illiteracy on anybody... until now.
The only thing worse than the aforementioned poet's poetry are his so-called song lyrics. Ugh.
The singer Brandy, who might be charged with involuntary manslaughter stemming from a death in a traffic accident, is now being sued by the dead woman's family for $50 million. You know, tragedy is tragedy, but Brandy hasn't even been found guilty yet. And I'm well aware that you can't really put a price tag on a life, but does anybody else think that this family is more concerned with "cash cow" than they are with mourning?
After a couple of years of wondering if Screech from Saved By the Bell was actually cool, it's been confirmed that, no, he's definitely an idiot.
Prison Break and 24 are off to fantastic starts in 2007. Heroes remains overrated and painfully derivative, yet somehow maintains my interest. Battlestar Galactica is officially a stinker. When the Hell does Lost start back up?
Smokin' Aces looks to be painfully painful. But the glutton in me just can't resist. Besides, after watching Lucky Number Slevin, I think I can handle another cheesy hit man movie.
Rage Against the Machine is supposedly reuniting temporarily to play at Coachella this year. Right on. I just hope this means that Audioslave isn't going anywhere.
Television hit Grey's Anatomy seems to be in a bit of a bind, doesn't it?
The best comic book series of the 21st Century, Warren Ellis' Planetary, is about to come to a close. Do yourselves a favor and pick up the trade paperbacks. Phenomenal stuff.
Coming full circle, there's a rumor that Katie Holmes might end up being the new Wonder Woman. I take back what I wrote earlier about a higher power.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The Truth Behind Tom Cruise
Disclaimer: More satire, folks. I actually happen to like Tom Cruise (not in that way, of course). I do think he's a fine actor, and whether I take his church seriously or not, people are free to believe in what they wish to believe. I bear neither him nor his family any ill will, and I hope to Hell that he continues to make kick-ass movies, and comes to his senses and returns the Mission: Impossible franchise to its roots (bring Brian De Palma back!).
Well, well... it seems that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have had their baby. Not surprisingly, several "Tom versus Brad in the battle for best dad" articles have sprung up around the internet. It's safe to say that Brad is going to win that one, but just to add another nail to Mr. Cruise's coffin, let's rant about him a little more.
Tom Cruise, lest we forget, is a fantastic actor. He's pulled off the brother of an autistic savant, a homoerotic vampire, a "manly" (read: homoerotic) F-14 pilot, an Irish refugee boxer, a secret agent (only referring to the first Mission: Impossible, mind you), and a young prophetic warrior surrounded by dwarves (come on, who can forget Legend?). However, none of this is the point. Tom Cruise, though a Hollywood icon, is an idiot. Now, that's not saying that he's any more an idiot than the rest of us, it's just saying that every time he does something idiotic, the whole world gets to watch with wild abandon.
Think about your favorite Tom-Cruise-is-a-moron moment. Is it divorcing Nicole Kidman? Breaking up with Penelope Cruz (who isn't all that, anyway)? Jumping up and down on Oprah's couch? Declaring his vast working knowledge of the history of psychiatry to Matt Lauer? Joining the Church of Scientology? Or maybe it's knocking up Katie Holmes in a sorry attempt to prove that he's not gay?
Whoa, wait a sec... what was that last one? You read it right, folks. Tom Cruise is in the closet. The boys behind Cartman and Kenny hit the nail on the head.
Now, on to my theory (which is, as will eventually be revealed, the "truth")...
Tom Cruise is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just disturbingly hilarious the lengths that the man will go to in order to hide that fact. His first wife, Mimi Rogers (with those HUGE breasts), intimated as much (something about liking to get tooled, but being married to guy who doesn't like to tool). Nicole Kidman, pale goddess that she is, dodges implications suspiciously. And no, adopting children IS NOT enough to alleviate suspicions. Unfortunately for Mr. Cruise, neither is HAVING children.
Theory time: Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes for two reasons: 1) because she's an idiot, looks like Sloth from The Goonies, and is easily influenced (I mean, Tom's bosses at his church certainly didn't want another Scarlett Johansson incident) and 2) because he wanted to knock somebody up to prove that he's not gay.
Well, it's not working. So, Tom and Katie (she's not Kate) are going to have a second child, much to Mr. Cruise's chagrin. Unfortunately, that won't work either, so they're just going to give up and get a divorce (amicably, of course... then again, they'd have to actually get married for that to happen). And eventually, Mr. Cruise will come out of the closet (which he should do now... I mean, look at Ian McKellen... his career has gone through the roof since he's come out.).
Watch it happen... and remember, you read it here first (or maybe second).
Well, well... it seems that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have had their baby. Not surprisingly, several "Tom versus Brad in the battle for best dad" articles have sprung up around the internet. It's safe to say that Brad is going to win that one, but just to add another nail to Mr. Cruise's coffin, let's rant about him a little more.
Tom Cruise, lest we forget, is a fantastic actor. He's pulled off the brother of an autistic savant, a homoerotic vampire, a "manly" (read: homoerotic) F-14 pilot, an Irish refugee boxer, a secret agent (only referring to the first Mission: Impossible, mind you), and a young prophetic warrior surrounded by dwarves (come on, who can forget Legend?). However, none of this is the point. Tom Cruise, though a Hollywood icon, is an idiot. Now, that's not saying that he's any more an idiot than the rest of us, it's just saying that every time he does something idiotic, the whole world gets to watch with wild abandon.
Think about your favorite Tom-Cruise-is-a-moron moment. Is it divorcing Nicole Kidman? Breaking up with Penelope Cruz (who isn't all that, anyway)? Jumping up and down on Oprah's couch? Declaring his vast working knowledge of the history of psychiatry to Matt Lauer? Joining the Church of Scientology? Or maybe it's knocking up Katie Holmes in a sorry attempt to prove that he's not gay?
Whoa, wait a sec... what was that last one? You read it right, folks. Tom Cruise is in the closet. The boys behind Cartman and Kenny hit the nail on the head.
Now, on to my theory (which is, as will eventually be revealed, the "truth")...
Tom Cruise is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just disturbingly hilarious the lengths that the man will go to in order to hide that fact. His first wife, Mimi Rogers (with those HUGE breasts), intimated as much (something about liking to get tooled, but being married to guy who doesn't like to tool). Nicole Kidman, pale goddess that she is, dodges implications suspiciously. And no, adopting children IS NOT enough to alleviate suspicions. Unfortunately for Mr. Cruise, neither is HAVING children.
Theory time: Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes for two reasons: 1) because she's an idiot, looks like Sloth from The Goonies, and is easily influenced (I mean, Tom's bosses at his church certainly didn't want another Scarlett Johansson incident) and 2) because he wanted to knock somebody up to prove that he's not gay.
Well, it's not working. So, Tom and Katie (she's not Kate) are going to have a second child, much to Mr. Cruise's chagrin. Unfortunately, that won't work either, so they're just going to give up and get a divorce (amicably, of course... then again, they'd have to actually get married for that to happen). And eventually, Mr. Cruise will come out of the closet (which he should do now... I mean, look at Ian McKellen... his career has gone through the roof since he's come out.).
Watch it happen... and remember, you read it here first (or maybe second).
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