Too Sexy to Fly?

Okay, so let me get this straight. In the past week, two women have gained notoreity for being "too sexy" to be on an airplane.

I'm sorry, what?

Apparently, some lady named Satara Qassim was flying from Las Vegas to Los Angeles and was asked to "cover up" by a probably all-too-jealous flight attendant (a.k.a. stewardess).

There are, in my mind, several things wrong with the above statement.

First, since when to airlines have dress codes? I get the fact that you're not getting into your cramped aisle seat butt-naked, but by being dressed nicely (a.k.a. sexy)?

Are you fucking kidding?

Not only that, the flight was from Las Vegas (a.k.a. Sin City) to Los Angeles (a.k.a. we like our hot women here).

Are you fucking kidding?

Dudes, I'm hoping everyone is with me on this... WHO THE FUCK CARES? Personally, I'd like to be on an airline full of women who look and are dressed like Satara Kassim (heck, I'd even take that overrated blonde who got snagged a week ago and somehow made it on The Today Show with Matt Lauer). I mean, who the Hell wouldn't?

We're talking about an industry that used to REQUIRE their stewardesses be gorgeous women. Maybe we should all band together and get Hooters to reopen their airline? If anything, lonely and horny men will flock to the airports for the chance of getting a wink and a smile (and a bag of peanuts).

Agh, political correctness is getting to me.

I get why stewardesses are no longer "hot chicks." Yes, I do. It's a legitimate industry that has no place dictating what their employees look like. But going so far as to tell a woman who was, near as I can tell, appropriately dressed for any occasion save a funeral that she can't fly because she's too hot?

Are you fucking kidding?

If the airlines want to impose a dress code for passengers, fine. Like I said, it's a legitimate industry that provides a paid service and they DO have a right to dictate certain things... as long as they dictate on paper and somewhere everyone can see it.

But, as Ms. Qassim implied, to put the interpretation (a.k.a. jealously) in the hands of the flight attendants themselves? Bullshit.

I call for all women to dress as sexily as possible and board an aircraft. Let the protests begin!

And vote for Clint Eastwood (who probably wouldn't mind being sandwiched between to gorgeous women beautifully dressed on an airplane).

The Truth Behind Tom Cruise

Disclaimer: More satire, folks. I actually happen to like Tom Cruise (not in that way, of course). I do think he's a fine actor, and whether I take his church seriously or not, people are free to believe in what they wish to believe. I bear neither him nor his family any ill will, and I hope to Hell that he continues to make kick-ass movies, and comes to his senses and returns the Mission: Impossible franchise to its roots (bring Brian De Palma back!).

Well, well... it seems that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have had their baby. Not surprisingly, several "Tom versus Brad in the battle for best dad" articles have sprung up around the internet. It's safe to say that Brad is going to win that one, but just to add another nail to Mr. Cruise's coffin, let's rant about him a little more.

Tom Cruise, lest we forget, is a fantastic actor. He's pulled off the brother of an autistic savant, a homoerotic vampire, a "manly" (read: homoerotic) F-14 pilot, an Irish refugee boxer, a secret agent (only referring to the first Mission: Impossible, mind you), and a young prophetic warrior surrounded by dwarves (come on, who can forget Legend?). However, none of this is the point. Tom Cruise, though a Hollywood icon, is an idiot. Now, that's not saying that he's any more an idiot than the rest of us, it's just saying that every time he does something idiotic, the whole world gets to watch with wild abandon.

Think about your favorite Tom-Cruise-is-a-moron moment. Is it divorcing Nicole Kidman? Breaking up with Penelope Cruz (who isn't all that, anyway)? Jumping up and down on Oprah's couch? Declaring his vast working knowledge of the history of psychiatry to Matt Lauer? Joining the Church of Scientology? Or maybe it's knocking up Katie Holmes in a sorry attempt to prove that he's not gay?

Whoa, wait a sec... what was that last one? You read it right, folks. Tom Cruise is in the closet. The boys behind Cartman and Kenny hit the nail on the head.

Now, on to my theory (which is, as will eventually be revealed, the "truth")...

Tom Cruise is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just disturbingly hilarious the lengths that the man will go to in order to hide that fact. His first wife, Mimi Rogers (with those HUGE breasts), intimated as much (something about liking to get tooled, but being married to guy who doesn't like to tool). Nicole Kidman, pale goddess that she is, dodges implications suspiciously. And no, adopting children IS NOT enough to alleviate suspicions. Unfortunately for Mr. Cruise, neither is HAVING children.

Theory time: Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes for two reasons: 1) because she's an idiot, looks like Sloth from The Goonies, and is easily influenced (I mean, Tom's bosses at his church certainly didn't want another Scarlett Johansson incident) and 2) because he wanted to knock somebody up to prove that he's not gay.

Well, it's not working. So, Tom and Katie (she's not Kate) are going to have a second child, much to Mr. Cruise's chagrin. Unfortunately, that won't work either, so they're just going to give up and get a divorce (amicably, of course... then again, they'd have to actually get married for that to happen). And eventually, Mr. Cruise will come out of the closet (which he should do now... I mean, look at Ian McKellen... his career has gone through the roof since he's come out.).

Watch it happen... and remember, you read it here first (or maybe second).