TSA: Flying the Friendly Skies

By now everyone's heard the stories: countless examples of sexual assaults. Everything from groping, boob-grabbing, ass-pinching, and camel-toe sliding tales of humiliation and embarrassment. And all under the auspices of the American government and "flying the (unfriendly) safe skies."

Yeah, fine, whatever. It's overkill. Everyone knows it's overkill. Only those who buy into the rampant "protect me" fear-mongering think it's not overkill. It doesn't take much to bring down a plane. Certainly there are explosives that fit within the 3-ounce limit imposed by the TSA. Certainly there are weapon assemblies that can be creatively sneaked onto aircraft via multiple terrorists.

Quick aside: Did you know that it's legal to ship a firearm on a passenger plane as long as it's in your checked luggage? Like someone couldn't take a butter-knife, stab their way to the cargo compartment, recover their bag, and REALLY cause problems. Hell, someone could do that with sharpened ear-tips on Flexon eyeglasses. Hmm... I probably shouldn't be giving anyone any ideas.

Anyway...

Heightened security measures aren't going anywhere for a while. Face it. People are just too afraid or too stupid. So, I'm going to propose a solution that will make (almost) everyone happy.

Quick aside: I actually kind of support the full-body scanners, but would prefer clear proof they don't pose health risks (like, at all). I think I'll wait for the ones from Total Recall.

Anyway...

Where was I? Oh, yeah... a solution that will make (almost) everyone happy.

Let us pick which TSA agent does the pat-down should we refuse the scanner. No, really... just like a menu line at a brothel (so I've heard...), line up the TSA agents and let us pick the one we get to let sexually assault us in the name of security. Sure, it's shallow, but shit... I'm okay with a Monica Bellucci lookalike groping me in the name of safe flying. I'm not okay with a Steve Buscemi lookalike doing it (sorry Steve... love your acting, but you're not my type).

In addition to the choice of gropers, let us be obnoxiously lewd in return. Like, seriously. Don't scream at us for not cooperating. If faux Monica rubs me a little close, let me share the fact that I'm having an erection without some government asshole threatening me with charges. I mean, shit, dude, you're the one touching me in all the places Mom and Dad told me not to let people touch me. I should be able to share the fact that I'd like to shove certain body parts in certain body parts of my government-endorsed rapist. It's a give and take, no? Isn't this about compromise?

Yes, it is.

So, there's my compromise. Let us pick who fondles us. And let us vocally share our (dis)taste for the fondling.

I can live with that.

Too Sexy to Fly?

Okay, so let me get this straight. In the past week, two women have gained notoreity for being "too sexy" to be on an airplane.

I'm sorry, what?

Apparently, some lady named Satara Qassim was flying from Las Vegas to Los Angeles and was asked to "cover up" by a probably all-too-jealous flight attendant (a.k.a. stewardess).

There are, in my mind, several things wrong with the above statement.

First, since when to airlines have dress codes? I get the fact that you're not getting into your cramped aisle seat butt-naked, but by being dressed nicely (a.k.a. sexy)?

Are you fucking kidding?

Not only that, the flight was from Las Vegas (a.k.a. Sin City) to Los Angeles (a.k.a. we like our hot women here).

Are you fucking kidding?

Dudes, I'm hoping everyone is with me on this... WHO THE FUCK CARES? Personally, I'd like to be on an airline full of women who look and are dressed like Satara Kassim (heck, I'd even take that overrated blonde who got snagged a week ago and somehow made it on The Today Show with Matt Lauer). I mean, who the Hell wouldn't?

We're talking about an industry that used to REQUIRE their stewardesses be gorgeous women. Maybe we should all band together and get Hooters to reopen their airline? If anything, lonely and horny men will flock to the airports for the chance of getting a wink and a smile (and a bag of peanuts).

Agh, political correctness is getting to me.

I get why stewardesses are no longer "hot chicks." Yes, I do. It's a legitimate industry that has no place dictating what their employees look like. But going so far as to tell a woman who was, near as I can tell, appropriately dressed for any occasion save a funeral that she can't fly because she's too hot?

Are you fucking kidding?

If the airlines want to impose a dress code for passengers, fine. Like I said, it's a legitimate industry that provides a paid service and they DO have a right to dictate certain things... as long as they dictate on paper and somewhere everyone can see it.

But, as Ms. Qassim implied, to put the interpretation (a.k.a. jealously) in the hands of the flight attendants themselves? Bullshit.

I call for all women to dress as sexily as possible and board an aircraft. Let the protests begin!

And vote for Clint Eastwood (who probably wouldn't mind being sandwiched between to gorgeous women beautifully dressed on an airplane).