Namely Neologisms

Neologisms, for those who don't know, are "new words" created to, well, replace old words and phrases. For those who don't get it: neo = new; logo = word; hence, "neologisms," the "s" being an indicator for plural.

And, since I don't have anything better to do, here are eight neologisms that we should adopt into our vocabularies. Why? Because I fucking said so.

bin Laden
Function: verb
Replaces: taking a shit
Use: "Where have I been? Bin Laden."

Cruise control
Function: noun
Replaces: psychological examination
Use: "My boss recommended me for a Cruise control after I jumped up and down on couch, professing my love for a girl who reminds me of Sloth from The Goonies."

Janet tab
Function: noun
Replaces: pasty
Use: "It's a good thing that teeny-bopper was there to cover me after my boob popped out. All I had on was a Janet tab."

Juicers
Function: noun
Replaces: glove and knife
Use: "Yeah, I whacked my ex-wife. But I left my juicers at the scene. I hope I don't get caught."

Kate baby
Function: noun
Replaces: infant - specifically, an infant born solely to protect the sexuality of a parent still in the closet
Use: "You see that guy from Top Gun? I hear he's about to have another Kate baby."

Lewinsky
Function: verb
Replaces: blowjob - specifically, a blowjob received in an attempt for the giver to obtain a promotion or other special recognition
Use: "Yeah, she gave me a Lewinsky. And I almost got impeached for it. The bitch."

Rocket
Function: noun
Replaces: steroid - specifically, a steroid used to enhance athletic prowess
Use: "No, I never used Rockets when pitching in the Major Leagues."

Stevens tubes
Function: noun
Replaces: Internet
Use: "Oh, yeah. I travel through Stevens tubes all the time. I especially like Wikipedia."

And there you go... write Merriam-Webster today and get these words into our official lexicon.

Nothing Much to Say About the World

Here I am, with absolutely nothing important to say about anything at all. I do, however, have a few observations, such as the one about how racists, sexists, and ageists are probably really upset about the presidential race at the moment. Not that I’m implying anything, but it is a little funny.

I also observed that I’m bordering on being broke. Normally I wouldn’t care, but when some half-rate musician who also doubles as a hooker suddenly sells nearly 7-figures worth of downloads, I feel a bit worthless. Any lady governors out there looking for a depressed gigolo? No? Okay, fine... I’ll settle for lady Senators who want their own stain on their dress in order to get back at their husband.

Ouch... maybe I shouldn’t have written that. What’s-his-nuts still has his Secret Service agents, after all. You know, those agents supposedly more involved in protecting our colorful new $5 bill, yet somehow finagled their way into Presidential security detail. I haven’t checked, but was there a new bill put into circulation in 1963? Hmm... conspiracies abound.

Speaking of conspiracies, anything think that Heather Mills is an Al Qaeda agent? She just screwed Sir Paul out of $50 million, you know. For some reasons such as "I can’t live without that much money" and "the $15 million I’m already worth isn’t enough to support my child." Seriously, the woman’s a cunt. But I know the real reason she needed that dough: bin Laden’s assets have been frozen, after all. Nothing like a one-legged Dancing With the Stars reject to give your terrorist group a good name.

Halle Berry had a kid. Big whoop. One more spoiled brat to grow up, pretend to be charitable, marry a widowed rock star, then take as much of his money as she can in order to finance stupid shit.

Wait, no... I haven’t started my Lindsay Lohan rant yet.

Speaking of skanks, did you hear the one about... never mind, I did the New York prostitute bit already. How she ever became a member of the Mickey Mouse Club is beyond me. Oops, she did it again. Yep, wrote another bad song, watched as her baby children ran wild, and somehow managed to save Neverland from being auctioned off.

Who am I talking about again? Fuck... I can’t remember. They say memory is the first thing to go. I personally think that’s awesome, because I don’t think I want to remember the rest of the shit that goes after it. I’m just confused, I guess, but you can’t blame me, because I watched The Fountain yesterday for the first time. For the life of me, I’m trying to figure out why the Hell that movie was made. Worse, I can’t honestly say if it was a good or a bad movie. That ever happen to you?

Doesn’t matter... the actors are probably going to follow their writer kin and strike this year. Which will save us from both good and bad movies. I should be considering a career change.

High-class gigolo comes to mind.