Saturday, May 13, 2006

The Two Greatest Inventions in the World (as of Today)

A lot of people out there are like me: poor. Now, being poor implies certain things... like not having an Aston Martin, not being able to take that vacation to New Zealand, and not being able to afford dental insurance. [Strategically-placed segue here]. Which brings me to the first of the two greatest inventions in the world (as of today): the electric toothbrush (you'll have to forgive me, I'm on a ":" kick today).

I swear, I'm all for change, though I'm usually one of the last to switch anything. I think I was the last person I know to get a cell phone (switch that, second-to-last... sorry, Nate), I was definitely late in buying my own car (other than my '67 Newport, which I never drove, I didn't get a vehicle until '97 - two years after I graduated high school), and I still haven't gotten a bidet installed in my bathroom (okay, I take that one back). Anyway, the point is that a few years ago, electric/sonic toothbrushes hit the market. Consumers and dentists everywhere praised the invention, as it supposedly made taking care of one's teeth immensely easier (and better).

Of course, egotistical assholes like me simply made fun of those hapless souls plucking up these new-and-improved toothbrushes (or is the plural "teethbrush?"), saying really stupid things like, "What, you don't know how to brush your teeth?" and "Hey, fucker, that's not a vibrator."

Then it happened... I met this really gorgeous girl at one of my colleges. She just so happened to be on the road to becoming a dentist. Now, I'm not exactly one to be directly influenced by any particular individual, but for some reason, I became really obsessed with my teeth. Fast forward about six or seven months, and I'm visiting my parents... For some odd reason, my mother just happens to have an extra electric toothbrush sitting around. So, she gives it to me. I roll my eyes and heckle her once or twice, but then my curiousity takes over... and I use it. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Electric toothbrushes (teethbrush) are AWESOME. My teeth are seriously whiter, my gums pinker, and I don't even have to put up with that horrible exercise called flossing as often. No toothaches (they used to be chronic) and no bleeding gums. Wow.

Anyway, that's as far as this humble pie is going to go. Me = wrong. Zombie consumers influenced by television commercials for electric toothbrushes (teethbrush) = right. So sue me.

The second greatest invention in the world (as of today)? Well, let's start by asking yourself this question: if you could travel as far back in time as you wanted to, what era would you go to?

My answer is simple: as far back as the invention of toilet paper. I don't care about seeing Jesus, or experiencing the Crusades, or watching the Chinese invent firecrackers. If I can't take a dump and clean my anus properly, efficiently, and comfortably, I ain't interested.

And there you have it... the two greatest inventions in the world (as of today): electric toothbrushes (teethbrush) and toilet paper.

I'm now going to go buy stock in Oral-B and Charmin. Have a nice day.

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