World Peace Through Irreverent Invention

Most people want world peace. Or at least pretend to want it, anyway. Sadly, as sentient, free-thinking, and imaginative as the human race is, it'll never happen. Well, not without a sole dictatorship in which everyone else is a mindless slave, anyway.

"Love thy neighbor" ain't gonna work - once you start loving his or her spouse a little too much, it's gonna start a fight. The United Nations ain't gonna work - but that's sort of what happens when the UN Security Council is comprised of sworn enemies. Family values ain't gonna work - they're subjective and, personally, I think most of them are pretty lame. Liberalism ain't gonna work - liberty is lopsided in favor of intelligent people. Conservatism ain't gonna work - the status quo tends to piss off people with more than half a brain.

So, how do we accomplish world peace? Well, I say by creating things that are fun to use and usefully fun.

Like what, you ask? Like these!

• Cigarettes with fluoride. Brush your teeth while destroying your lungs!
• Hustler and Penthouse versions of religious texts! Learn about all things holy while having orgasms!
• Bullets loaded with plant seeds! Kill someone and start a forest!
• Lawnmowers with leashes! Walk your dogs while cleaning up your yard!
• Cell phones with condom dispensers! Text me to sex me!
• Mattresses with toilets! Why get up to use the bathroom? Just go!
• Mop handles with knives! Commit murder and clean it right up!
• Newspaper toilet paper! Read about current events before cleaning your ass!
• Taxi cab/escort services! Get laid while you get where you're going!
• Enema-capable bidets! Don't just spray... rinse!

Okay, so none of those would foster world peace, but it's all I got.

Keep It Simple, Stupid: An Adventure in Peanut Butter

When I was younger, definitely before I was 10, I read an article in one of those National Geographic kids magazines (it could've been "3-2-1 Contact," but I forget) concerning a child inventor and his invention that would solve a great problem in society: how to get the peanut butter that sticks to the bottom of the jar out of the jar.

Now, this is going to sound silly, but to a kid who was less than 10, it was profound. Basically, this brat inventor in question developed a peanut butter jar that had lids on both sides of the jar. This, obviously, allows the sandwich-maker to get to the hard-to-reach sandwich topping.

Excellent solution to a clear problem, right? I thought so. And I thought so for damn near the next 20 years. In fact, I'd often mosey through a grocery store wondering why in the Hell these jars weren't on the shelves.

Leave it to my mother to burst my balloon (she does that... all mothers receive pre-natal instruction in bursting balloons, I think).

A couple of years ago I was home visiting the parents when I saw my mother making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my niece and nephew (actually, she might've been making them for me, but I will never admit such a thing). I could tell by the sound of the knife that the peanut butter was almost gone, and the memory of that boy's invention jumped back into the forefront of my mind.

Hah, I thought, I bet mom wishes she had one of those jars right about now. Hehehe. 

Yes, you've interpreted the tone in that thought process correctly: secretly, I wanted to revel in the fact that my mother was about to suffer from the same bane that's blighted me for decades. A small one, sure, but a bane nonetheless (and never mind that she's, no doubt, been dealing with peanut butter jars a lot longer than I have... this is about me, dammit).

And then she did it. The unthinkable. She produced a solution right before my very eyes.

She used a spoon.

The moral of this tale is, well, simple. When we over-think things (cough, politicians, cough), we can wind up solving problems that didn't exist, or creating problems that won't get solved. Or something like that.

Nah... the moral of this tale is to buy peanut butter in pouches.

The Two Greatest Inventions in the World (as of Today)

A lot of people out there are like me: poor. Now, being poor implies certain things... like not having an Aston Martin, not being able to take that vacation to New Zealand, and not being able to afford dental insurance. [Strategically-placed segue here]. Which brings me to the first of the two greatest inventions in the world (as of today): the electric toothbrush (you'll have to forgive me, I'm on a ":" kick today).

I swear, I'm all for change, though I'm usually one of the last to switch anything. I think I was the last person I know to get a cell phone (switch that, second-to-last... sorry, Nate), I was definitely late in buying my own car (other than my '67 Newport, which I never drove, I didn't get a vehicle until '97 - two years after I graduated high school), and I still haven't gotten a bidet installed in my bathroom (okay, I take that one back). Anyway, the point is that a few years ago, electric/sonic toothbrushes hit the market. Consumers and dentists everywhere praised the invention, as it supposedly made taking care of one's teeth immensely easier (and better).

Of course, egotistical assholes like me simply made fun of those hapless souls plucking up these new-and-improved toothbrushes (or is the plural "teethbrush?"), saying really stupid things like, "What, you don't know how to brush your teeth?" and "Hey, fucker, that's not a vibrator."

Then it happened... I met this really gorgeous girl at one of my colleges. She just so happened to be on the road to becoming a dentist. Now, I'm not exactly one to be directly influenced by any particular individual, but for some reason, I became really obsessed with my teeth. Fast forward about six or seven months, and I'm visiting my parents... For some odd reason, my mother just happens to have an extra electric toothbrush sitting around. So, she gives it to me. I roll my eyes and heckle her once or twice, but then my curiousity takes over... and I use it. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Electric toothbrushes (teethbrush) are AWESOME. My teeth are seriously whiter, my gums pinker, and I don't even have to put up with that horrible exercise called flossing as often. No toothaches (they used to be chronic) and no bleeding gums. Wow.

Anyway, that's as far as this humble pie is going to go. Me = wrong. Zombie consumers influenced by television commercials for electric toothbrushes (teethbrush) = right. So sue me.

The second greatest invention in the world (as of today)? Well, let's start by asking yourself this question: if you could travel as far back in time as you wanted to, what era would you go to?

My answer is simple: as far back as the invention of toilet paper. I don't care about seeing Jesus, or experiencing the Crusades, or watching the Chinese invent firecrackers. If I can't take a dump and clean my anus properly, efficiently, and comfortably, I ain't interested.

And there you have it... the two greatest inventions in the world (as of today): electric toothbrushes (teethbrush) and toilet paper.

I'm now going to go buy stock in Oral-B and Charmin. Have a nice day.