You ever get sick of hearing and reading about how to behave in certain situations and places? I do, but mainly because most of what's out there is stuff people should know already. Yeah, I get that the average person is dumb, and half of the rest are dumber than that (thanks, George Carlin!), but come on... what happened to that "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" poster that used to be up everywhere?
Anyway, and I realize I'm a bit of a hypocrite, since I've written about behavior before, but... whoa... run-on sentence in the making. And I just made it worse, didn't I? Ah, well.
Without further ado and digression, here's the most useless etiquette protocol you will ever see:
1. Be aware that "irreverent" and "irrelevant" are not thrown around lightly here. If you want reverence and relevance, I can point you to better places to find them.
2. Don't comment without reading the piece. I hide stuff for skimmers to expose themselves with, at which point the information is shared with dozens of bloggers who like to laugh at such things. Yes, humor between bloggers really does get that banal. But we dig banal. We write about it enough, eh?
3. Point out grammatical and spelling errors. Don't assume it was an innocent mistake and, for fuck's sake, don't be "polite" and pretend you didn't notice it. That doesn't help anybody.
4. Feel free to be critical, but say what you mean. Don't hide behind vague and colorful language in futile attempts to appear congenial. It makes you look like an idiot.
5. If you leave a comment expecting an answer, make sure your email address is unhidden. This is not a bulletin board. But I do often take the time to reply via email ("noreply@blogger" comments typically get ignored).
6. By the same measure, if you have a question, ask it. The cliché concerning the word "assume" is only half true. You'll be the only ass in the room.
7. For those readers whose sensitivities lead them to believe that I'm writing for their enjoyment: you are not paying for my groceries. This place exists for me to do what I want. "Kiss my ass" and "Have a nice day" are equally common phrases here.
8. If you do want to pay for my groceries so I'll write for your enjoyment, email me for my mailing address and we'll work out a remuneration plan.
9. Don't insult the comments of others. I don't care what you think about anybody else, and most readers here don't, either. Go to their blog and leave a comment or send them an email if you have an issue with someone other than me.
10. Kiss my ass and have a nice day.
Showing posts with label etiquette. Show all posts
Showing posts with label etiquette. Show all posts
Monday, August 2, 2010
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Movie Theater Etiquette
It's a pity that there are so many pre-trailer advertisements that beg and plead for an audience to turn off their cell phones, pages, and to shut up during a movie. It's even more of a pity that people don't. Is the American public really that inconsiderate now, to think that any one person's phone call or, god forbid, text message is so fucking important that it deserves to ruin a movie for the people seated near that person?
Please. If I had my way, movie seats would hang over a pit of molten lava, and programmed to collapse even its occupant makes too much noise or answers a phone call.
Anyway, on to some basic rules for movie theater etiquette. Like most etiquette guidelines, you already know all of these; you probably just choose to ignore them.
1. Don't talk. Ever. If you don't understand what's going on, save your questions for the credits. There's no way your obviously more intelligent companion is going to be able to explain things to you quickly and quietly, anyway. You're stupid, that's why you asked the question. If you see something that makes you think of a joke, save it for the credits. If it's a truly funny thought, it will remain funny well after the movie is over. Otherwise, keep it to yourself and remain shut the fucked up. And when you leave for snacks or a bathroom break, don't ask, "Did I miss anything?" when you return. It's a movie, it doesn't pause for you. So, yes, of course you missed something, you moron.
2. Turn off your fucking cell phone. Off. Not down, not on vibrate, not on "flash annoying little lights." Turn it off. If you're a doctor on call, go rent a movie and watch it at home. Or leave word with the ushers and have your calls sent to the theater's office. In case you hadn't noticed, because you're too busy picking your own nose, vibrate actually makes an shitload of noise, especially in a theater that's otherwise (hopefully) quiet. And sending text messages? Do you realize how fucking bright that screen is? Put it this way, someone in the back row of a theater with stadium seating will be able to see you tapping text into your phone, even if you're in the front row.
3. Don't get loud, obnoxious food. Popcorn is the exception, since so much of movie culture is built around it. But if you must buy that candy that comes in a crinkly plastic bag, open it before the movie starts, pour it into a cardboard container, and eat it out of that. And don't think you're sneaky. No amount of ninja training can prevent those bags from making noise. Trust me. It's like a leather jacket or a diaper. Everyone can hear it. And don't chew your ice.
4. Refrain from your own sound effects. Laughing is permissible. So is screaming. However, saying "ooh" or "ah" in amazement, stating "ouch" or "god damn" when a character is hurt onscreen, or providing other extraneous commentary reminiscent of the 1960s Adam West Batman is, for the most part, entirely unacceptable. In fact, it's basically a violation of rule 1.
So, please note the emergency exits, shut the fuck up, and enjoy the show.
Please. If I had my way, movie seats would hang over a pit of molten lava, and programmed to collapse even its occupant makes too much noise or answers a phone call.
Anyway, on to some basic rules for movie theater etiquette. Like most etiquette guidelines, you already know all of these; you probably just choose to ignore them.
1. Don't talk. Ever. If you don't understand what's going on, save your questions for the credits. There's no way your obviously more intelligent companion is going to be able to explain things to you quickly and quietly, anyway. You're stupid, that's why you asked the question. If you see something that makes you think of a joke, save it for the credits. If it's a truly funny thought, it will remain funny well after the movie is over. Otherwise, keep it to yourself and remain shut the fucked up. And when you leave for snacks or a bathroom break, don't ask, "Did I miss anything?" when you return. It's a movie, it doesn't pause for you. So, yes, of course you missed something, you moron.
2. Turn off your fucking cell phone. Off. Not down, not on vibrate, not on "flash annoying little lights." Turn it off. If you're a doctor on call, go rent a movie and watch it at home. Or leave word with the ushers and have your calls sent to the theater's office. In case you hadn't noticed, because you're too busy picking your own nose, vibrate actually makes an shitload of noise, especially in a theater that's otherwise (hopefully) quiet. And sending text messages? Do you realize how fucking bright that screen is? Put it this way, someone in the back row of a theater with stadium seating will be able to see you tapping text into your phone, even if you're in the front row.
3. Don't get loud, obnoxious food. Popcorn is the exception, since so much of movie culture is built around it. But if you must buy that candy that comes in a crinkly plastic bag, open it before the movie starts, pour it into a cardboard container, and eat it out of that. And don't think you're sneaky. No amount of ninja training can prevent those bags from making noise. Trust me. It's like a leather jacket or a diaper. Everyone can hear it. And don't chew your ice.
4. Refrain from your own sound effects. Laughing is permissible. So is screaming. However, saying "ooh" or "ah" in amazement, stating "ouch" or "god damn" when a character is hurt onscreen, or providing other extraneous commentary reminiscent of the 1960s Adam West Batman is, for the most part, entirely unacceptable. In fact, it's basically a violation of rule 1.
So, please note the emergency exits, shut the fuck up, and enjoy the show.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Cecili's MySpace Etiquette
A lot of you know that I am an obsessive San Diego Chargers fan. And a lot of you know that, with that, comes an obsession with the San Diego Charger Girls. Anyway, one thing led to another and the next thing I know, I've found the MySpace page of my favorite Charger Girl of all-time.
No... I'm not stalking her, so leave the jokes at home, please.
What I found is not only the MySpace page of an ultra-beautiful former cheerleader and apparent current dancing queen, but a blog full of poignant wisdom and subtle humor, to boot. Her most recent blog is so spot-on, I had to ask her if I could repost it. And so, without further ado... here are Cecili's rules of MySpace etiquette:
"For those with delicate egos, proceed with caution. This is for your own good.
Disclaimer: I too have violated some of these myspace directives. Nobody is perfect, but we can always be better. This list is by no means exhaustive. I hope upon reading it you will have your own grievances and or suggestions to add to the list.
1. Comments should be comments. (If you are confused: There is a function on myspace that allows you to send a message).
2. Don't post millions of pictures of your face all over your page--all the vanity and imagery is nauseating.
3. Only post a bulletin if you have something important to report on.
4. Bulletins should be reserved for general information only. If your "friends" want to know the answers to a survey you took, write it in a blog and they can read it at their leisure. Sadly, not everyone cares who your last crush is or what you think about jesus.
5. Try to refrain from commenting on someones page twice in a row--its aesthetically unpleasant.
6. Comments should be thought out and grammar should be observed.
7. Don't tell people to comment on your pictures--if people like you and/or they are in one of your photos, they will make a comment.
8. There is no need to list EVERY single book/movie/hero you have ever read/watched/loved. People get bored after reading the first three or four entries. You are better off sticking to your favorites--and if this is disconcerting, you can always change your entries every so often depending on your mood. Which reminds me: update your page every now and again. You log on every day.
9. When commenting on a blog: stay on topic.
10. No Blind friend requests... Ever.
11. Comment approval takes the fun out of posting comments.
12. Avoid reading blogs from people who make lame lists like this one and call it news.
General note:
Blog: This function allows you to write about whatever you want and post it on your page so that people--this is the most important part--who are interested can read it. FYI: It is not to be used to post more photos of your face unless they are pertinent to the blog itself. While tempting, try to only write a blog if you have something interesting, funny, or thoughtful to say. And last but not least, if you're in college, don't post your book reports online--most likely, we havent read the book you are citing and we have no reason to read your blog. Cultural critiques, movie reviews, and current events are always good topics. Book suggestions are also good and should be placed in general information under the sub-heading: Books.
Works cited: An example of a good blog can be found on Irreverent Primates page--also, see Natalie's page; she writes some funny blogs with pictures included. She also posts amusing captions by the photos, the layout is clean, and most importantly: the pictures are related to the blog itself.
Please feel free to add to the list."
No... I'm not stalking her, so leave the jokes at home, please.
What I found is not only the MySpace page of an ultra-beautiful former cheerleader and apparent current dancing queen, but a blog full of poignant wisdom and subtle humor, to boot. Her most recent blog is so spot-on, I had to ask her if I could repost it. And so, without further ado... here are Cecili's rules of MySpace etiquette:
"For those with delicate egos, proceed with caution. This is for your own good.
Disclaimer: I too have violated some of these myspace directives. Nobody is perfect, but we can always be better. This list is by no means exhaustive. I hope upon reading it you will have your own grievances and or suggestions to add to the list.
1. Comments should be comments. (If you are confused: There is a function on myspace that allows you to send a message).
2. Don't post millions of pictures of your face all over your page--all the vanity and imagery is nauseating.
3. Only post a bulletin if you have something important to report on.
4. Bulletins should be reserved for general information only. If your "friends" want to know the answers to a survey you took, write it in a blog and they can read it at their leisure. Sadly, not everyone cares who your last crush is or what you think about jesus.
5. Try to refrain from commenting on someones page twice in a row--its aesthetically unpleasant.
6. Comments should be thought out and grammar should be observed.
7. Don't tell people to comment on your pictures--if people like you and/or they are in one of your photos, they will make a comment.
8. There is no need to list EVERY single book/movie/hero you have ever read/watched/loved. People get bored after reading the first three or four entries. You are better off sticking to your favorites--and if this is disconcerting, you can always change your entries every so often depending on your mood. Which reminds me: update your page every now and again. You log on every day.
9. When commenting on a blog: stay on topic.
10. No Blind friend requests... Ever.
11. Comment approval takes the fun out of posting comments.
12. Avoid reading blogs from people who make lame lists like this one and call it news.
General note:
Blog: This function allows you to write about whatever you want and post it on your page so that people--this is the most important part--who are interested can read it. FYI: It is not to be used to post more photos of your face unless they are pertinent to the blog itself. While tempting, try to only write a blog if you have something interesting, funny, or thoughtful to say. And last but not least, if you're in college, don't post your book reports online--most likely, we havent read the book you are citing and we have no reason to read your blog. Cultural critiques, movie reviews, and current events are always good topics. Book suggestions are also good and should be placed in general information under the sub-heading: Books.
Works cited: An example of a good blog can be found on Irreverent Primates page--also, see Natalie's page; she writes some funny blogs with pictures included. She also posts amusing captions by the photos, the layout is clean, and most importantly: the pictures are related to the blog itself.
Please feel free to add to the list."
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