Battlestar Enterprise, Part VI

Well, I was going to take some time to explain what constitutes a decade and a century, given all the half-assed hoopla going around in some circles, but once again, a football game decided to last longer than it should have. So...

This is the final part of Battlestar Enterprise that was written. I kinda got tired of it, as I'm sure most of you have. Which means the anti-fans can cheer up! You probably won't have to see one of these again!

• Battlestar Enterprise, Part I
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part II
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part III
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part IV
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part V

Part VI originally posted April 28, 2009

***

"Man, fuck this shit 'n shit," He-Boomer said aloud, to no one in particular. He appreciated the fact he was back behind the stick very much, but he also couldn't stand being on a search mission for the old man's kid. David Adama was a moron, and everybody knew it. The guy would run around spouting fairness all day long, and even advocated civilization's return to the Stone Age. What a fucking idiot. What possible advantage could that have?

"What was that?" squawked the radio. It was StarHeBuck, still sore, no doubt, at being forced to have a sex-change. It was blind luck that Enterprise had found a ship-full of doctors in the middle of nowhere. One of those "deus ex machina" things that seemed to happen more often than not as of late.

"Nothing 'n shit," He-Boomer replied. "Keep your motherfucking attention on the sensors."

"I have a question," another voice declared over comms. This time it was Jolly, whom everyone referred to as the King of the Cameo. "Why the fuck didn't we take a Raptor on this mission? Vipers aren't exactly equipped for long-range surveillance, you know?"

He-Boomer grimaced. Jolly had always been the voice of reason, even after his decades-long disappearance. He had been captured by the Cylons during a Black Ops mission, then inexplicably let go. Sure, Jolly's fanboys tried to make fan-sense of the situation, but no matter how hard any of those idiots tried, the stories just didn't hold up under scrutiny. "Probably because someone forgot about them when writing up the OpOrder 'n shit. Shut the fuck up and fly 'n shit."

***

James T. Adama was biting his fingernails. He hadn't done that since he was in the cockpit of a fighter, and Saul Spock took notice. Spock raised that inquiring eyebrow like he always did, prompting Adama to put his hands in his pockets for a round of pocket polo.

"I heard radio chatter," Adama said pointedly to Duhura, mocha legs still oozing sex appeal in the dim light of the CIC.

"It's just He-Boomer, sir. He's just irritated as usual."

Adama turned to his CAG, Jackson "Ripper" Chakotay, an otherwise worthless character of man who Adama had thought was killed during the Cylon invasion. Chakotay knew what Adama was going to ask and preempted the question.

"You think I should send out more birds, Captain?"

Adama shook his head. Is it too much to ask to be referred to as Admiral around this fucking ship?

"I think so," Adama half-murmured, trying to hide his disdain for the apparent lack of recognition for his promotion. Fine, Roslin wasn't the "real" President, but she promoted him, so that counts for something, right? "What do you think?"

Chakotay nodded before even considering the question. He was nothing but a silly ethnic yes-man, after all. "Whatever you say, sir."

Adama shook he head again, almost in disbelief at the stupidity that runs around Enterprise. He was starting to worry that he was never going to find his son.

***

She-Boomer sat watching David's Viper as it just floated along in space. She could see David was talking to somebody, or maybe himself, but he didn't seem to acknowledge that she was there. She-Boomer turned to Crashdown and Helo.

"What do you make of this, guys?"

Helo got up from the ECMO seat and stuck his head between She-Boomer and Crashdown. He was so jealous of Crashdown, who got to sit close enough to She-Boomer and could smell her perfume. Silica, he thought it was.

"Don't know. Maybe he's got one of those STDs that fucks with the brain."

She-Boomer slapped Helo playfully. She wanted very much to rip his clothes off and eat him up alive, but with Crashdown there, such an action wasn't advised. She didn't know why she had such thoughts. She was very much in love with Montgomery Tyrol, but the Chief was packing on the pounds lately, and the last time they had sex he almost crushed her. That, and she could swear she smelled Cally's lipstick on him.

Suddenly, a bright flash of light.

She-Boomer, Helo, and Crashdown stared awestruck out the cockpit. Another Viper had just materialized out of thin air. And in the vacuum of deep space, no less.

***

Battlestar Enterprise, Part V

Well, as the night game between the New York Giants and the Philadelphia Eagles ran a bit late, I was remiss in my preparation to write something new (ironically, I was going with sports-related), so I'm resorting to posting another edition of Battlestar Enterprise. For those who hate these, don't fret; there's only one more after this one!

• Battlestar Enterprise, Part I
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part II
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part III
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part IV

Part V originally posted April 14, 2009

***

David blinked his eyes. He couldn't see anything but bright, white light. He was still in his Viper, but She-Boomer's Raptor was nowhere to be found. Silly him... why did he get so close to the anomaly? After all, it's the Raptor that is equipped with the necessary sensors to properly analyze it. All the Viper can do is identify friend or foe and shoot at the damned thing. Eh, it was probably the scientist in him. Why, oh, why, didn't his dad let him be a Raptor flight officer? Probably because that would've made too much sense for such a muddled continuity.

A shape appeared. Another viper. This one seemed different somehow. It looked brand new. As it drifted closer to him, he could make out a pilot in its cockpit. Blond hair. Way out of her acting depth. StarSheBuck? Wasn't she still on Galactiprise?

***

StarSheBuck ran down the corridors of Galactica, er, Enterprise. Ah, fuck it, we'll just stick with Galactiprise and ret-con shit right now. Anyway, StarSheBuck ran down the corridors of Galactiprise, listening to the music in her intergalactic iPod. The beat of the music matched the beat of her cadence, and she was sublimely aware that the music was guiding her around the ship. Of course, she had no idea that she forgot her iPod in her room and was listening to a random paranormal signal being transmitted directly to her brain by the Imperious Leader of folk rock, Dylan Hendrix Baltar. He did, after all, want to fuck the shit out of her. What better way to do that than convince a woman that she's a messenger from Zeus?

"There must be some kind of way out here," she said, slowing to a quick walk.

A nearby marine was rummaging through an unattended backpack, probably trying to steal some cigarettes. He looked up at StarSheBuck, a slightly confused look on his face. "Pilot quarters are aft, two decks down."

"I know where the pilot quarters are, Jarhead. I fucking live there." StarSheBuck rarely had time for significant conversation, or even a thank you.

"What are you, some kind of joker?" The marine did not look amused.

StarSheBuck picked up her gait, suddenly aware what the marine was doing. "What are you, some kind of thief?"

This is all too confusing.

***

David keyed his radio, not entirely expecting an answer. "StarSheBuck? Kara, is that you?"

"Who the fuck do you think it is, you fucking pansy." It was not a question.

Satisfied that was really StarSheBuck, I mean, really, who else but the real StarSheBuck would talk like that, David waved at her. "What's all this white light?"

A strange voice cackled over the speaker. It was He-Boomer. "Oh, you gotta go there 'n shit. White light, my ass. Fuck you honkey bitches."

StarSheBuck and David looked at each other, wondered for a moment what the Hell, er, Hades, er, Underworld that communication was. They stared into each other's eyes. David noticed his groin was getting a bit tight. He was going to profess his undying love for StarSheBuck when she started laughing.

"What's funny? We're lost, She-Boomer's gone, and I have to pee."

StarSheBuck rolled her eyes. "You're an idiot."

David got defensive. "How is it my fault vipers don't have bathrooms? Fuck, Raptors have bathrooms."

"I've been to Earth, David. And I'm going to take us there."

What? Now David was really confused. What the fuck is Earth? And which one? And does it have pigeons?

***

Battlestar Enterprise, Part IV

Still somewhat in the creative doldrums, so here's BSE:IV in all its glory.

Anyone irreverent enough can read the previous parts here:

• Battlestar Enterprise, Part I
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part II
• Battlestar Enterprise, Part III

Part IV originally posted April 11, 2009

***

James T. Adama paced impatiently as he waited for news of his son. Suddenly, the radio screamed to life. On it, David Adama was screaming, too, like a little bitch.

"Dad? Dad? You there dad? Hello? Does this thing even fucking work?"

"David, what's going on?" Adama asked his son over the wireless. "Are you getting a good visual?"

"Yes, dad," came the reply.

Adama rolled his eyes. Will no one call him Admiral? He earned it, after all. Fuck, he was the only surviving command officer in the entire universe as far as he knew. That's worth a promotion, right?

"Is it what we thought it was?"

"I think so. It's very coherent, lots of continuity."

Adama turned to his XO, Spock. "What do you think, Saul?"

"I'm not sure. We should contact Gaeta and have Baltar transferred over here to run some diagnostics."

"Make it so."

Adama was about to hang up his transmitter when the squelch broke.

"Oh, shit," came his son's voice.

"What is it, David?"

Silence. Spock and Adama exchanged concerned glances, then Adama keyed the mike again. "David? Come in. What is it?"

The only response was more silence.

***

"This is He-Boomer in the slot, trying to sound all military 'n shit. Ready to launch." He-Boomer flexed his hands as he placed them on the HOTAS. He'd been grounded far too long. For him, it was about fucking time. He knew why he'd been grounded, too, because despite all that bullshit about this new Galactica, er, Enterprise being all politically correct, he was the only black pilot they had, and these white fucks running the show didn't want He-Boomer to whoop up on some pale ass. Fuck 'em.

"This is Kelly. You're a go."

"Hey, Kelly, can we do that go-no-go shit they sometimes do to sound cool 'n shit?"

"No, you fucking idiot."

"Why you gotta be all racist 'n shit?"

"Good-bye."

He-Boomer felt the jolt of the catapult as his Viper shot down the launch tube. There he was, flying into the deep unknowns of space in order to save Adama's stupid-ass kid. He-Boomer checked his perimeter and spotted his wingmen joining up with him. StarHeBuck, Hot Dog, and Jolly were forming up on schedule.

"Everyone good 'n shit?"

Three affirmatives echoed in his earpiece, and He-Boomer flexed his hands again.

"Then let's go find the old man's punk-ass kid 'n shit."

***

Battlestar Enterprise, Part III

Yep, it's back... primarily because I'm having trouble finding inspiration, but partially because the television movie, Battlestar Galactica: The Plan , is making waves among science fiction fandom. If initial reports are to be believed, the "movie" makes a disappointing show even worse. Ah, well...

Keep in mind as you read this that it was written as sort of an "angry response" to how the series declined in quality. It's all meant to be satire, as bad and vulgar as it is.

Battlestar Enterprise, Part I
Battlestar Enterprise, Part II

Part III originally posted on January 12, 2009

***

"David, do you have a visual on the anomaly?" James Adama's voice was unusually tense. He didn't mind unidentified contacts; he just hated anomalies. They were always so anomalous.

The signal broke squelch and David's voice piped through the speaker. "Yes, dad."

"What is it?" And it's Admiral, asshole. Or sir, at the very least.

"Not too sure. It appears to be a tight plot, well-written characters, and..."

The signal went dead. James turned to his communications officer, Duhura.

"What happened?"

Duhura swiveled in her chair, showing off her smooth, mocha-hued legs. Adama had to force himself not to kneel to get a better look up Duhura's combat fatigue-patterned miniskirt.

"I'm not sure, Admiral, but it appears that a scientifically accurate overriding signal is interrupting our story."

James was confused. This made no sense... no sense at all. Someone had actually called him "Admiral."

"Spock, what do you make of this?" he asked, not entirely expecting a coherent answer.

"Tight plot? Well-written characters? Such a logical thing to strive for," Spock started. "Anomalous, indeed."

***

Montgomery Tyrol stared out the porthole with his binoculars, scanning space in a futile attempt to try to see the anomaly. He always worried when She-Boomer went out on patrols, particularly with that moron, David Adama. Sure, David was the old man's son, but that apple fell so far from the tree that had Eve found it, she would have finished it before ever making it back to Adam, and mankind (well, men at least) would still be living in paradise.

Tyrol was the ship's chief engineer, damage control officer, AIMD chief, command master chief, and ship's laundryman, but he always felt as though he was kept outside the loop. For whatever reason, it was always hard for him to come by information. On the other hand, it was very easy for him to come by doughnuts, and his rapidly expanding waistline served as a constant reminder of this ability.

"Chief?" a sad, quiet little voice asked behind him.

Tyrol turned and found his shadow, Cally. He found her superbly annoying, but she gave good head, and when She-Boomer was out on patrols, well... he had to do something about his sex addiction. It was like he was some sort of machine, or robot. But, never mind, these are foreshadows that are coming way too early. Wouldn't want to give any well-placed hints too early in a story now, would we?

"What is it, Cally?"

"Do you see anything?"

He watched as her chubby pouty face seemed to get more chubby and pouty. It almost made him sick.

"Other than a couple-hundred lonely ships filled with the survivors of a devastating attack on their homeworlds?"

"Oh?" Cally's face lit up with excitement.

Tyrol rolled his eyes. "That's us, you idiot."

Chubby pout returned, Cally sniffled and looked as though she was about to cry.

"Oh, no, don't. I'm sorry." Tyrol grabbed her in a mock hug, pressing her head lightly against his chest. Still, his gaze never left the porthole, though a smile did creep its way across his face. Slowly, subtly, he pressed Cally's head lower, to his stomach, then still lower, and lower.

***

One-Line Movie Reviews V

I had such great plans for this installment of "One-Line Movie Reviews." Really, I did. I was going to add information lines that would include standardized listing of director, writer(s), and actors. I was going to make it all pretty. I was going to remove the date information from the title and replace it with an appropriate Roman numeral (oh, wait... I DID do that one).

But, I'm lazy, and I had no intention of watching all of these movies, save for the dog incident that kept me from driving off into the sunset. The bastards.

Anyway...

The Chronicles of Riddick (2004) - a sequel to 2000's surprising Pitch Black, this film once again stars Vin Diesel as Riddick, but unwisely places Riddick at the forefront of the film (a place Riddick did not enjoy in Pitch Black). The story is convoluted, nonsensical, and completely unnecessary. The parts that are coherent are only such thanks to the heavy overuse of cliche. Verdict: SKIP it.

Cloverfield (2008) - The Blair Witch syndrome hits the monster movie genre and we wind up with, well, a decent film. Yes, the alien was never that believable, and neither was the character-interaction, but it was an enjoyable foray into what Godzilla could've been. Verdict: SEE it.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) - An extremely preachy remake of the 1951 classic, this one stars Keanu Reeves and Jennifer Connelly and never hesitates to inform that we're killing our planet. Yeah, we know. While most of us don't need a movie to tell us that, I would have to go out on a limb and state that, overall, this remake was a bit better than Spielberg's could-have-been-great-but-wasn't remake of War of the Worlds. Verdict: SKIP it.

Fido (2006) - A Canadian zombie movie that suffers from the "zombie movies are metaphors for capitalist materialism" conclusion. Set up as a campy homage to the 1950s (World War II is replaced by "The Great Zombie War"), Fido features a world in which someone invents a remote control collar for zombies, allowing them to be tamed like pets and utilized as servants. The ending was solid, and the cast was stellar, but... eh. Verdict: Eh...

Mind Hunters (2004) -Directed by the oft-horrible Renny Harlin (Driven, Cutthroat Island), this one of his few movies that I can say "wasn't bad" (along with The Long Kiss Goodnight and Cliffhanger. Sorry, but Die Hard 2: Die Harder sucked donkey balls). It's hard to recommend this one, but it's a decent thriller and good cameos from Val Kilmer and Christian Slater lend it some legitimacy. Verdict: Hmm... ah, screw it. SEE it.

Monsters vs Aliens (2009) - I almost made a huge mistake and avoided this movie. The premise just seemed silly, and Dreamworks doesn't have the greatest record when it comes to animated fare (hit or miss, and much more so than Disney). However, I must say this was the most enjoyable film that Dreamworks Animation has ever put out. Hilarious, even if it at first seems awkward. Verdict: SEE it.

The Sentinel (2006) - Starring Michael Douglas in yet another authoritative role, and Jack Bauer (er... Keifer Sutherland) in yet another Jack Bauer-esque role, this film is actually very, very good. In fact, I'd call it a sleeper hit. Even Eva Longoria was competent in her role. And fans of the Secret Service will dig it. Verdict: SEE it.

Star Trek (2009) - Well, all I can say is that it's about time Paramount decided to follow suit and reboot this beloved franchise. The casting, for the most part, was excellent. The action was, for the most part, excellent. The production design, for the most part... eh. But, all in all, Star Trek was a fun, enjoyable movie. It was NOT, however, "Star Trek." I plan on getting into this point a bit more at a later date, so I'll just leave it at that. Do not misconstrue that statement, because I DID like it. Verdict: SEE it.

Taken (2008) - Liam Neeson as Jason Bourne? No, not really, but that about sums up the aesthetic of the movie. And, guess what? It works. Basically, an overly paranoid and now-retired spy's daughter decides to gallivant around Europe in an attempt to follow U2's latest concert tour. Sure, not a bad goal if you're fan of U2, but getting capture by human traffickers is something to avoid, no? Anyway, dad goes nuts, goes "off the reservation," and rescues his daughter. Excellent action film and certainly worthy of a franchise, if the fates will it. Verdict: SEE it.

The Taking of Pelham 123 (2009) - What's that you say? I'm one-line reviewing this again? Actually, no... I one-line reviewed the original film a while back (which was kind enough to differentiate itself by spelling out the "One Two Three" in the title). This, my dear readers, is the remake. And, like most remakes... well, no... this one rocked. Denzel Washington assumes the role formerly played by Walter Matthau (try to wrap that connection around in your head) and John Travolta takes over the Robert Shaw character. The result? Another excellent movie. Yes, the original is better, but the new subplot of Denzel/Walter having a bit of a smeared record adds more to the film than it takes away. Verdict: SEE it.

Battlestar Enterprise, Part II

Okay, I must admit, Part I of this elicited minimal response, but there are apparently a few more BSG fans following me since that one went up, so I'm gonna give Part II a shot. This one was originally posted on January 10, 2009.

Read the first part here: Battlestar Enterprise, Part I

***

David Adama hated flying. He was, as many have pointed out, a whiny little bastard and the very thought of an aircraft crashing into the ground scared the living shit out of him. Never mind that in space there is no gravity, and he needn't worry of such a thing, but he did anyway. Suddenly in need of a security blanket, he checked his 4 o'clock and made sure the accompanying Raptor was still where it should be.

Naturally, it was, but as David was a whiny little bastard, he keyed his mike and queried for an audio response.

"She-Boomer, you there?"

"Yes, Apollo."

For a moment David thought he could actually hear She-Boomer's eyes rolling. "Just doing my job, She-Boomer. Just checking in."

"I'm fine; you're fine. Would you like to ask Helo and Crashdown if they're fine?"

"Who?"

"My crew, Apollo. The Raptor is, you know, a three-seater, and despite the propensity of other writers never taking advantage of all three seats, this one does, so I have a co-pilot and an ECMO."

Ek-mo, Apollo thought to himself. Ah! It suddenly made sense.

It really wasn't fair that everyone gave him such a hard time. He wasn't a military man by trade, after all. That honor belonged to his twin sister, Davida, and his little brother, James T. Junior.

He didn't like thinking about those two, especially given their histories. He was involved in an incestuous relationship with Davida before finding out she was his sister, and that little fact had made recent family gatherings a little awkward, particularly since he still wanted her. And don't forget the little business that his brother, James T. Junior, who had died during an atmospheric reentry, was also in a sexual relationship with Davida. Davida, in a strange twist of fate, had been one of Junior's flight instructors, and is the only reason Junior passed flight school. Junior, apparently, had no feel for the cockpit, but had a ton of feel for Davida's cock-pit, and Davida willingly screwed every other flight instructor at school in order to secure Junior a passing grade. She'd be damned if she had to tell dad that she failed her brother.

"Apollo, She-Boomer. Come in."

Apollo shook the thought out of his mind and held down a puke. "What's up?"

"Er, the anomaly. We're here."

***

Battlestar Enterprise, Part I

I'm trying to mix things up a bit, so here's an old(er) satire I started late last year (originally posted December 27, 2008. If it's well-received (or received at all), I'll eventually post the rest of it... might even finish it. There are currently six parts, but I've been lazy in the humor department as of late, and I suppose re-posting this is no exception to that.

Admiral James T. Adama strolled through the corridors of his ship, the battlestar Enterprise, as he always did. He liked to show his face to the crew in the morning, to let them know he was watching. They were, after all, a bunch of undisciplined jackasses. He often wondered how the Hell they survived this long. Or, he would have, had the Greek-inspired concept of the bad place in the afterlife been called Hell. Rather, he often wondered how in Hades they survived this long. Or, he would have, had the Greek-inspired concept of the bad place in the afterlife been called Hades. Hades was the god, he regularly pointed out, so he often wondered how in the Underworld they survived this long.

It seemed like his crew was more concerned with trying to gang-bang Persephone than escape the wrath of Hades himself.

Bah. It didn't matter. Today, it appeared, they were doing their jobs, so he wrapped up his little walk and headed to the bridge. Or the CIC. He couldn't remember what it was called.

***

The doors to the CIC whooshed open, because they like to whoosh, and he spotted his first officer, Colonel Saul Spock. Spock was a pointy-eared drunk from a small colony called Hephaestus. It would have been called Vulcan, but the world of Battlestar Enterprise is decidedly Greek and not, as some fools who rely too much on Bulfinch's Mythology would have, Greco-Roman.

"Captain Adama," Spock spoke, seriously slurring sloppily since Saturday, "We are approaching the anomaly."

Anomaly? Not another one. And it's Admiral, you asshole.

"Did you send out a recon?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Who?"

"David's flying escort for She-Boomer."

Oh, great. Love him as he may, James had a problem with his son doing anything that required any sense of responsibility. David Adama, as it was, had a reputation for being confused. He had been a scientist before the Cylon Armaggedon, although nobody called it the Cylon Armaggedon, since the Holy Bible was unknown to them. At any rate, David had been working on some weird "life bomb." Basically, it killed everything on a planet and replaced it with a new planet, replete with flora and fauna. James had secretly hoped they'd use it on Picon, since that colony had such a ridiculously ugly name. Nevertheless, since a battlestar had little need for an actual scientist, and a battlestar series had even less need for a competent science adviser, David was pressed into service as a Viper pilot.

"She-Boomer?" James asked. "I thought He-Boomer had flight detail today."

Spock raised an eyebrow, his typical response when Captain Adama misspoke. "Captain, need I remind you that He-Boomer is a Viper pilot. She-Boomer is the one assigned to the Raptor squadron."

"As I was, Mr. Spock. As I was." He really hated that pointy-eared bastard. And it's fucking Admiral, asshole.

***

Afraid of Star Trek

Okay, let me just get this out of the way: I am a nerd; therefore, I like nerdy things. One of those things happens to be the Star Trek franchise, though I am hardly a Star Trek fanboy.

To put this in perspective, I grew up on reruns of Star Trek, and absolutely loved Star Trek: The Next Generation. Can't say I really got into Deep Space Nine (I watched three seasons and called it quits), Voyager (three episodes), or Enterprise (three minutes... if that). I must also state that I am a subscriber to the "even numbered" theory behind the films... that is, the even-numbered films are great, and the odd-numbered films suck ass. Yes, I realize that the last pre-reset film was an even-numbered film and sucked ass, but just bear with me.

I am, ostensibly, very excited for this new movie due out in a couple of days. Simply titled Star Trek, it's purportedly a blank-slate, discarding much of the overwhelming crap that has come to populate this uber-popular franchise. In my opinion, whomever came up with that idea is a genius (though I do feel the "original timeline" still deserves a proper send-off).

But...

In watching the previews for this new film, it appears to me that Star Trek is turning into a fanboy-only franchise, replete with ridiculous scenarios, do-all characters, and a complete omission of what little military and/or space agency accuracy the franchise had. Our beloved crew of Kirk, Spock, Uhura, etc., are no longer strangers who met on Enterprise, but instead classmates at their respective academy. How they will explain how Kirk rose to Captain while Chekov remained an Ensign will no doubt come as a surprise to everyone.

Anyway, I'm revealing too much of my nerdiness, I'm afraid. In short, my true fear lies in that there's a strong possibility that another franchise that I grew up loving will be trashed for so-called "marketability." This already happened with Star Wars, Charlie's Angels, Knight Rider, Indiana Jones, and (to a lesser extent) Battlestar Galactica.

Perhaps my fears are unjustified and the movie will rock all worlds, but I just can't take another childhood favorite getting ruined. I already have a crap-tacular G.I. Joe to look forward to.

I'm a Dork

I had a lovely conversation with a lovely person today, and part of it focused on the definition of a dork. You see, this lovely person claimed dorkhood, but I just didn't see it. So we broke down the dorky things that we both did, and I'm pretty sure I won the dork race, so to speak.

Why am I a dork? Well, some of the things that were brought up included:

I like science fiction. Yes, I dig it. Battlestar Galactica, when it isn't ignoring its own continuity and/or breaking the laws of physics, is my favorite show on television. And while I can't claim to have liked Babylon 5 (despite knowing and working with Peter Jurasik), I do like the first two incarnations of Star Trek (but most definitely not Deep Space Nine, Voyager, or Enterprise). Also, like most people my age, I absolutely dig Star Wars... well, old Star Wars.

And did I mention that I can name the 28 original Transformers toys from memory? And the 13 original G.I. Joes. And I like fantasy almost as much as I like science fiction. Especially erotic fantasy... I mean, er... never mind.

Take that, you non-dork people.

Dork clue number two is that I would rather, honestly and seriously, do dinner, a movie, and a walk on the beach for a date than I would bar or club hopping. Of course, that could just be because I'm getting old and lazy, leaving those drunk days behind... but no, I'm using it as a dork excuse.

Ooh, how about this? I'd rather go see ruins, museums, and natural landmarks when I'm in a foreign country rather than experience its nightlife. Yes, I'll go out at night just to say, "I got drunk in ______," but that's not the point. Give me the Parthenon or the Colosseum over a party in Paris any day. Let me see Mona Lisa in person. Take me to The Phantom of the Opera or The Producers on Broadway. Hell, I think I could have a blast at an archaeological site excavating stegosaurus bones.

Other evidence that I'm a dork? I love art and foreign film. I salivate over NFL cheerleaders. I alphabetize my DVD collection. I read... for fun. And, oh, yeah, I have a blog on MySpace.

Anyway, I think I've proven my dorkhood. But just in case, if you can think of anything else that would further my case, please post said evidence in a blog comment.

Have a nice day. Dorks.