Off the Wagon... Again

I hate smoking. Seriously. I hate the occasional nicotine-tobacco-tar-induced headaches. I hate the smell it leaves on clothes and furniture. I hate the health risk. I hate the cost. I just hate smoking.

Which is probably why I started again last Monday.

Yeah, that didn't make any sense, and as I'm deliriously tired from an insane month, don't expect any sense from tonight's boredom-inspired writing.

Anyway... so I headed down to Atlanta last Sunday night in order to work on a television show. When I got there, I noticed that I was dangerously low on nicorette, my primary crutch when I attempt to quit. As I chewed my second-to-last piece, I did the respectable, sensible thing.

Yes, I went to the nearest store to buy more gum. No, wait... like a fucking moron, I bummed a cigarette off of my friend Brad. Why? I don't know. Because I'm a fucking moron.

Of course, I can always use the excuse "but all people on set smoke" (see: "but all soldiers smoke" for my military excuse), but the fact of the matter is I just felt like it. Maybe I just felt like it because I usually hate Atlanta (I loved it this time) and needed some edge off, but it's probably just because I'm a fucking moron.

Since Christmas Eve of 2005 I've been a non-smoker for a total of 17 months and even managed to ditch the nicorette during that time, but I can't seem to shake the relapses. Oddly enough, those relapses always seem to occur when I work a reality TV show.

Anyone have any suggestions (other than quit working reality TV shows)? Send them my way ASAP.

The "What the F*ck?" Awards, March 2007

The WTF Diplomacy Award
Iran, with all the recent uproar about wanting to open relations with the West, decided to kidnap a bunch of British sailors. I'm pretty sure they meant open "good" relations, but I could be wrong.

The WTF Movie Award
Homosexual writers tend to think that heterosexual males are fans of the movie 300 because, deep down, heterosexual males are all latently homosexual. Never mind the kick-ass carnage, the historically-based story, and the insanely good cinematography...

The WTF Politics Award
Sean Hannity, right-wing radio pundit, called John Edwards a piece of shit for staying in the Presidential race, implying that Edwards is trying to use his wife's cancer as publicity.

The WTF Music Award
Sanjaya, the talentless, identity-less, teeny-bopper icon has somehow managed to not yet be eliminated from Season 6 of American Idol.

The WTF Television Award
The two pointless new Lost characters, Nikki and Paolo, are eliminated from the show after several pointless appearances, a few pointless lines a dialogue, and a pointless episode pertaining to their pointless existence on the pointless island.

The WTF Science Fiction Award
Just go read any of my previous blogs pertaining to Battlestar Galactica... you'll get the idea.

The WTF Military Award
Not having any sort of clue what to do with Iraq, Afghanistan, or our military in general, the House and Senate voted for a timeline to pull out of Iraq. I'd rather have a timeline to get rid of the Army's embarrassing 'black beret,' but whatever.

The WTF Actor Award
Jeremy Piven, star of Entourage, apparently ran out of money and left a DVD set of his show as a tip after a dinner at an exclusive restaurant.

The WTF Humanitarian Award
Iraq suicide bombers posed as people giving away free flour.

The WTF Health Award
Nicorette gives me gas.