I haven't been writing much lately, so I figured I'd cop out and do a stupid list.
Without further ado, here are 9 things (lists of 10 are just too cliche) you should do by the end of the month:
1. Buy a Jerzy Jung CD (check her MySpace page for details). She rocks... so listen to my MySpace song and drop her a few bucks for some good music.
2. Slap someone with a "Support our troops, bring them home" bumper sticker. It's an oxymoron. Troops are paid to fight, that's their job. Believe me, we'd much rather you send us more equipment than bring us home, even if we don't agree with the war we're fighting.
3. Tell the driver of the next Jesus fish-labeled automobile that cuts you off or doesn't use a turn signal that he or she is a hypocrite. When you receive a "huh?" look, you'll have your proof.
4. Recognize that the San Diego Charger Girls are the best cheerleaders in professional sports. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders be damned.
5. Congratulate a WGA member on the new contract, then connect a right hook to the member's jaw for bringing an entire industry to a standstill.
6. Adopt a pet or donate to a no-kill shelter.
7. Learn to live without your Blackberry. You did it before... it's like riding a bike.
8. Write NBC some hate mail for ruining American Gladiators and canceling Journeyman. Write CBS some laugh mail for bringing back a so-so show and making it worse (Jericho).
9. Send me money.
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Friday, February 15, 2008
Friday, October 26, 2007
Bad Drivers II: What Would Jesus Do?
We've all seen them... those cars with those Jesus fish on the back. Yes, some swear by them, some make fun of them, but I'm just here to answer the WWJD question. Well, sort of...
Here's what he wouldn't do:
Drive slowly in the passing/fast lane so others have to pass dangerously on the left.
Change lanes or slow for a turn without using a signal.
Speed up to match your passing speed just to be ignorantly annoying.
Ride your bumper.
Brake before using a turn signal.
Talk on a cell phone while driving.
Blast loud, obnoxious music.
Toss a cigarette butt out the sunroof so it hits the following motorist's windshield.
Attempt to beat a yellow light by shifting to the left lane and speeding up, then deciding against it and slamming on the brakes, only to realize a right turn was required and attempting to back up against oncoming traffic so as to get around the car that was passed for the attempt to beat the yellow light, and then fucking up traffic by having to wait for the right lane to clear because your dumb ass actually wanted to make a right turn.
The moral of the story: Jeff 1:1 - If you're going to be a hypocrite, don't advertise it.
Here's what he wouldn't do:
Drive slowly in the passing/fast lane so others have to pass dangerously on the left.
Change lanes or slow for a turn without using a signal.
Speed up to match your passing speed just to be ignorantly annoying.
Ride your bumper.
Brake before using a turn signal.
Talk on a cell phone while driving.
Blast loud, obnoxious music.
Toss a cigarette butt out the sunroof so it hits the following motorist's windshield.
Attempt to beat a yellow light by shifting to the left lane and speeding up, then deciding against it and slamming on the brakes, only to realize a right turn was required and attempting to back up against oncoming traffic so as to get around the car that was passed for the attempt to beat the yellow light, and then fucking up traffic by having to wait for the right lane to clear because your dumb ass actually wanted to make a right turn.
The moral of the story: Jeff 1:1 - If you're going to be a hypocrite, don't advertise it.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Musings Early in the Month of March
How come those vitamin supplements that have "not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration" are never evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration?
Would cloned meat that isn't allowed to develop a brain or a heart be considered a vegetable?
Why do Christians feel that revealing that Jesus had half-siblings, a wife, and/or a child would be harmful to their religion? How would having a family affect, in any way, the morals and philosophies of Christianity?
Why do people go to movies just to check their text messages?
How the fuck did "bling bling" work its way into our vernacular? And does the originator of "bling bling" even know what vernacular is?
Anyone ever notice how Marines and Soldiers always argue about who's better, but the ones that have served in Joint Task Forces keep their mouths shut because they know there's no difference?
Instead of outlawing cell phones while driving and smoking sections in restaurants, can't we just outlaw stupidity instead and cut out the middleman?
Proof that capitalism creates a better society: America's post-secondary education system.
Proof that socialism creates a better society: Canada's healthcare system.
Brazil receives way too much praise for trying to be the first nation to have every car propelled by ethanol. Guess how they're ensuring they have enough land to grow the necessary crops? Cutting down more rainforest.
If fundamental Islam and fundamental Christianity could truly co-exist peacefully, they would have figured out how during the various Crusades. There's a reason there's a saying, "moderation in everything."
Truth.com pretends to be liberal by hiding behind the pretense of destroying big business (tobacco) for the sake of society. Problem is, they preach a fundamental hate, which tends to be slanted as a conservative point of view. Tell me I'm wrong.
According to a recent report, narcissism in college students is on the rise. If everyone would've listened to me, this wouldn't have happened.
Since I don't like watching marathons, does that make me racist?
Why is being lazy frowned upon? Can anybody tell me ONE invention that wasn't invented for the ultimate purpose of making doing certain things just a little bit easier?
If pre-marital sex is a sin, why don't animals have weddings? Does that mean all dogs go to Hell?
If Hillary Clinton becomes President, does anybody think she'll hire an intern to get back at Bill?
Good night, everybody.
Would cloned meat that isn't allowed to develop a brain or a heart be considered a vegetable?
Why do Christians feel that revealing that Jesus had half-siblings, a wife, and/or a child would be harmful to their religion? How would having a family affect, in any way, the morals and philosophies of Christianity?
Why do people go to movies just to check their text messages?
How the fuck did "bling bling" work its way into our vernacular? And does the originator of "bling bling" even know what vernacular is?
Anyone ever notice how Marines and Soldiers always argue about who's better, but the ones that have served in Joint Task Forces keep their mouths shut because they know there's no difference?
Instead of outlawing cell phones while driving and smoking sections in restaurants, can't we just outlaw stupidity instead and cut out the middleman?
Proof that capitalism creates a better society: America's post-secondary education system.
Proof that socialism creates a better society: Canada's healthcare system.
Brazil receives way too much praise for trying to be the first nation to have every car propelled by ethanol. Guess how they're ensuring they have enough land to grow the necessary crops? Cutting down more rainforest.
If fundamental Islam and fundamental Christianity could truly co-exist peacefully, they would have figured out how during the various Crusades. There's a reason there's a saying, "moderation in everything."
Truth.com pretends to be liberal by hiding behind the pretense of destroying big business (tobacco) for the sake of society. Problem is, they preach a fundamental hate, which tends to be slanted as a conservative point of view. Tell me I'm wrong.
According to a recent report, narcissism in college students is on the rise. If everyone would've listened to me, this wouldn't have happened.
Since I don't like watching marathons, does that make me racist?
Why is being lazy frowned upon? Can anybody tell me ONE invention that wasn't invented for the ultimate purpose of making doing certain things just a little bit easier?
If pre-marital sex is a sin, why don't animals have weddings? Does that mean all dogs go to Hell?
If Hillary Clinton becomes President, does anybody think she'll hire an intern to get back at Bill?
Good night, everybody.
Friday, July 7, 2006
Noah's Ark? Not Exactly...
In June of 2006, a team of researchers found in Iran what they believe to be the remnants of Noah's Ark. Yes, that's right... the big boat that carried two of every animal in order to save the Earth's living species from God's vengeful flood.
Of course, the team of researchers was from the fundamentalist Christian BASE (Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration) Institute and, of course, none of those researches were accredited archaeologists or geologists.
However, the latter fact is not the point of this writing. The point of this writing is that, should evidence of an "ark" ever be produced, it would in all likelihood be proof not of Noah's Ark, but of Deucalion's Ark or Utnapishtim's Ark.
Huh? What's that? Well, it's widely known that the Bible (and religious texts in general) often "borrow" stories from older religions and other sources in order to both emphasize and familiarize certain aspects of religious teachings. There's the fact that Saint Michael was a deity worshipped by a small community prior to being assimilated into the Christian church, the eerie similarities between the Madonna and baby Jesus and the Egyptian Isis and Horus, and the almost identical versions of the creation of the world presented in Book of Genesis and the first few paragraphs of the much older Sumerian Epic of Gilgamesh (which, in fact, actually contains the story of Utnapishtim's Ark).
You see, the idea of a world-ending flood and a savior who built a large boat (on the word of God) to save humanity is nothing new. The Ancient Greeks had a myth involving a pissed off Zeus starting a flood, but in their version, Deucalion (read: Noah) was warned by his father, Prometheus, and built a boat to save himself (and not any animals).
Even before that, the Sumerians, with the first draft of the Bible known as The Epic of Gilgamesh, told a story of Utnapishtim, who lived through the flood by building an ark and loading it with riches, animals, and craftsmen in order to ensure the survival of mankind.
Now, I'm not criticizing Christianity, nor am I criticizing religion in general. I am criticizing the fact that so-called fundamental Christians tend to ignore our own histories. Finding an ark would not provide evidence that the Bible is a true story... rather, it would provide evidence that it's (at least partially) a plagiarized one. And why would anyone want to pop their own balloon?
Of course, the team of researchers was from the fundamentalist Christian BASE (Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration) Institute and, of course, none of those researches were accredited archaeologists or geologists.
However, the latter fact is not the point of this writing. The point of this writing is that, should evidence of an "ark" ever be produced, it would in all likelihood be proof not of Noah's Ark, but of Deucalion's Ark or Utnapishtim's Ark.
Huh? What's that? Well, it's widely known that the Bible (and religious texts in general) often "borrow" stories from older religions and other sources in order to both emphasize and familiarize certain aspects of religious teachings. There's the fact that Saint Michael was a deity worshipped by a small community prior to being assimilated into the Christian church, the eerie similarities between the Madonna and baby Jesus and the Egyptian Isis and Horus, and the almost identical versions of the creation of the world presented in Book of Genesis and the first few paragraphs of the much older Sumerian Epic of Gilgamesh (which, in fact, actually contains the story of Utnapishtim's Ark).
You see, the idea of a world-ending flood and a savior who built a large boat (on the word of God) to save humanity is nothing new. The Ancient Greeks had a myth involving a pissed off Zeus starting a flood, but in their version, Deucalion (read: Noah) was warned by his father, Prometheus, and built a boat to save himself (and not any animals).
Even before that, the Sumerians, with the first draft of the Bible known as The Epic of Gilgamesh, told a story of Utnapishtim, who lived through the flood by building an ark and loading it with riches, animals, and craftsmen in order to ensure the survival of mankind.
Now, I'm not criticizing Christianity, nor am I criticizing religion in general. I am criticizing the fact that so-called fundamental Christians tend to ignore our own histories. Finding an ark would not provide evidence that the Bible is a true story... rather, it would provide evidence that it's (at least partially) a plagiarized one. And why would anyone want to pop their own balloon?
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