The Truth Behind Tom Cruise

Disclaimer: More satire, folks. I actually happen to like Tom Cruise (not in that way, of course). I do think he's a fine actor, and whether I take his church seriously or not, people are free to believe in what they wish to believe. I bear neither him nor his family any ill will, and I hope to Hell that he continues to make kick-ass movies, and comes to his senses and returns the Mission: Impossible franchise to its roots (bring Brian De Palma back!).

Well, well... it seems that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have had their baby. Not surprisingly, several "Tom versus Brad in the battle for best dad" articles have sprung up around the internet. It's safe to say that Brad is going to win that one, but just to add another nail to Mr. Cruise's coffin, let's rant about him a little more.

Tom Cruise, lest we forget, is a fantastic actor. He's pulled off the brother of an autistic savant, a homoerotic vampire, a "manly" (read: homoerotic) F-14 pilot, an Irish refugee boxer, a secret agent (only referring to the first Mission: Impossible, mind you), and a young prophetic warrior surrounded by dwarves (come on, who can forget Legend?). However, none of this is the point. Tom Cruise, though a Hollywood icon, is an idiot. Now, that's not saying that he's any more an idiot than the rest of us, it's just saying that every time he does something idiotic, the whole world gets to watch with wild abandon.

Think about your favorite Tom-Cruise-is-a-moron moment. Is it divorcing Nicole Kidman? Breaking up with Penelope Cruz (who isn't all that, anyway)? Jumping up and down on Oprah's couch? Declaring his vast working knowledge of the history of psychiatry to Matt Lauer? Joining the Church of Scientology? Or maybe it's knocking up Katie Holmes in a sorry attempt to prove that he's not gay?

Whoa, wait a sec... what was that last one? You read it right, folks. Tom Cruise is in the closet. The boys behind Cartman and Kenny hit the nail on the head.

Now, on to my theory (which is, as will eventually be revealed, the "truth")...

Tom Cruise is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just disturbingly hilarious the lengths that the man will go to in order to hide that fact. His first wife, Mimi Rogers (with those HUGE breasts), intimated as much (something about liking to get tooled, but being married to guy who doesn't like to tool). Nicole Kidman, pale goddess that she is, dodges implications suspiciously. And no, adopting children IS NOT enough to alleviate suspicions. Unfortunately for Mr. Cruise, neither is HAVING children.

Theory time: Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes for two reasons: 1) because she's an idiot, looks like Sloth from The Goonies, and is easily influenced (I mean, Tom's bosses at his church certainly didn't want another Scarlett Johansson incident) and 2) because he wanted to knock somebody up to prove that he's not gay.

Well, it's not working. So, Tom and Katie (she's not Kate) are going to have a second child, much to Mr. Cruise's chagrin. Unfortunately, that won't work either, so they're just going to give up and get a divorce (amicably, of course... then again, they'd have to actually get married for that to happen). And eventually, Mr. Cruise will come out of the closet (which he should do now... I mean, look at Ian McKellen... his career has gone through the roof since he's come out.).

Watch it happen... and remember, you read it here first (or maybe second).