Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Help Wanted

It's the start of FY 2010 for much of the corporate world. In honor of that, I've decided to post some job listings for those of you out of work. Merely trying to help.

Position: Cleaning Lady
Description: My house is kinda messy and I'm moving out on the 30th of this month. So come clean it. Previous experience isn't necessary... just show up looking gorgeous. Hiring will be done based upon how you look in a sweaty maid's outfit.
Compensation: Free shower after you're done mopping my floors.

Position: Lawnmower
Description: It's been raining a lot here, and the grass grows remarkably fast as a result. Since I'm a lazy bastard, I don't want to do it myself. You can use my lawnmower. Hiring will be done based upon how you look in Daisy Dukes, since I will no doubt be watching from the living room window.
Compensation: The hose will be connected to the spigot, so you can stay hydrated.

Position: Masseuse
Description: Massage my scalp, my back, and everywhere else. Also, "draw" on my back, kiss my back, and find the sensitive spot just above the right side of my pelvis. Hiring will be done based upon how soft your hands and lips are.
Compensation: The air conditioner will be on to keep the house from getting too humid, and I'll let you watch whatever you want on TV.

Position: Chauffeur
Description: Drive me around. Stunt, combat, and race driving experience preferred, but not required. Knowledge of standard transmissions is a must, unless you're superbly gorgeous... then we can negotiate.
Compensation: If you can convince me, I'll teach you how to parallel park. If you already know how, consider yourself pre-compensated.

Position: Bather
Description: Get me wet, lather me up, and rinse me off.
Compensation: Getting me wet, lathering me up, and rinsing me off.

Position: To-Sleep-Singer
Description: Sing me to sleep. I like lullabies. And Dido... but don't tell anyone that.
Compensation: You can crash in the bed.

 The above listed positions will remain open until filled. We are not an equal opportunity employer.


Wings said...

Yeah, good luck with all that!

Yoork said...

Re: Masseuse

Do you have satellite?

Ravyn said...

I repeat...and, yet, you are still single.

Nancy M. said...


Baino said...

Sorry, I'm looking for something more permanent.

Alan Burnett said...

No, I guess I will just stay happily retired.

Not For Jellyfish said...

Make sure to hide the Merlot if you apply for masseuse.

Brian Miller said...

i look good in a maids outfit, but already employed (i mean married) unfortunately...or maybe thats fortunately...

Tori said...

Man. I read this list and it looks like you're filled up on ball-busting women who will inevitably tease you about this out-loud mating call. Back to the classifieds for me!

Stephanie T-H. said...


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