Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Mexico Problem

Disclaimer: The following is satire, people... don't take it too seriously (and if you do, you need to get out more).

On the eve of the next round of "Illegal Immigrant" marches, I propose a solution to the problem that will solve this "Mexican Problem" once and for all...

ANNEX MEXICO. Or, at least, part of it. I mean, why not? It's the Mexican border that most of the illegal drugs in the USA enter through. It's (obviously) the Mexican border that most of the illegal aliens (sorry, "undocumented migrants" - way to politicize THAT one, by the way) enter through. So just annex it, and get it over with. Hell, we invaded them and kicked the shit out of them once (1848, anyone?), why not do it again? What are they going to do? Complain that their standard of living is about to go up?

Okay... that's a little far-fetched and probably just a little racist, but it brings up a good point. Northern Mexico is our supposed little immigrant problem area. Well, it's a known fact that Northern Mexico has a shitload of oil (which used to be drilled by American companies, mind you). So, the way I look at it, you annex the Mexican states of Baja California Norte, Baja California Sur, Sonora, Chihuahua, Cohuila, Nuevo Leon, and Tamaulipas, you solve THREE problems at the same time.

1. Oil. Well, shit, all of a sudden, the US of A has access to a lot more crude.
2. Illegal Immigration. Well, shit, all of a sudden, most of these illegal immigrants now become legal. Not by virtue of another bullshit "grandfather clause," but by virtue of the US Army taking over their homeland.
3. Border Patrol. Related to the above reason, to be sure, but now the US border has shrunk considerably, we've taken away the Baja pipeline, and the "illegals" (and the drug runners) have to build new tunnels.

Not to mention that, should we approach North Mexico the same way that the British approached Quebec, the "learn our language or leave" argument would be moot, since Spanish would by default become an "official" language of this country.

Here's what I really think: Don't get me wrong, I love Mexico, and everyone who knows me damn sure knows I love Mexicans (Salma Hayek, I adore thee). I'm also learning Spanish, and one day I intend to be fluent. I do, however, think the border needs to be secured, but I also think it needs to be much easier to come to this country legally. The current system we've got is a bunch of bureacratic bullshit. We've got plenty of room in this country, regardless of what some neo-Nazi fuck in the Deep South thinks. As a country founded on immigration and built upon annexation, there's no reason we can't take more people.

My one stipulation for Spanish speakers (actually, for ALL foreign-language speakers): if you broadcast a signal within US borders, either television, cable, or radio, you should have to broadcast a sister-signal in English. We transmit foreign languages on our major channels, so there's no reason that you shouldn't transmit English on yours. After all, everyone knows that the hottest women are on Univision, and I, for one, would like to know what they're saying.


Anonymous said...

So uncool for you to steal my thoughts right out of my head. Grrr...

Posted by Jessica Lynn on May 5, 2006 - Friday - 8:45 AM

Anonymous said...

I'm down with an invasion. But I've got to disagree with ya on the bringin' in more people. I like having miles per person to live on instead of stacked up asshole to elbow.

Even if we don't annex, I'll guard the border....I missed out on the body count thing last year.

Posted by Cowan on May 15, 2006 - Monday - 5:43 AM

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