Fear of Online Banking

Disclaimer: I was going to post the third part of my little DC Comics expose, but I was irked into writing something else first... for all of you comic geeks out there, I humbly apologize. On second thought... fuck off.

I encountered a specimen from a dying breed of people the other day... a person who is scared of online banking, or any type of online transaction, for that matter. Their excuses? Well, it's not safe, online transactions are easier to intercept, the Internet is full of identity thieves, blah, blah, blah. I mean, shit, if the Veterans Administration can leak everyone's social security numbers out there, why can't Bank of America.com or eBay do it, too?

Just for the record, the VA leak had absolutely nothing to do with the "insecure Internet" and everything to do with an "ignorant Idiot."

Back to the point... I got news for you technophile schmucks who think that paper and pen or hard cash is the safest way to do things... You people have bank accounts, don't you? You people have credit cards? Loans? CDs? Stocks? Porn magazine subscriptions? Well, guess the fuck what... YOUR MONEY IS BEING TRANSACTED ON THE INTERNET.

You see, banks and other financial institutions popularized these super-duper fast phone lines called T1 or T3 lines, the same lines, by the way, that Internet servers tend to use (the good ones, anyway). Yeah, it's a crazy concept. In fact, have you ever used an ATM machine and heard that weird squealing and beeping? That's a modem going online. Oh, shit... I said it... ON-FUCKING-LINE.

But okay, you don't use an ATM, you don't use a credit card, you don't use a bank card (check card, money card, speedpay, whatever the fuck you call it)... but you still have money in a bank, and that bank still proverbially uses your money to make money. And guess what? There's not some piss-ant minimum-wage monkey running all of those transactions back and forth between financial institutions in a paper bag with your name on it stored safely in the back of an armored truck (I'm being serious, there really isn't). And do you know why? Well, there's this fucking thing called the Internet, and it sure makes doing business as shitload easier.

Join the 21st Century. And if our computer systems are ever knocked out by some fucked up Armageddon, well, then you can say you told me so. Fortunately (for you), I won't know you said it, because you won't have any way to email me. Fucker.