Cooking... Something

I'm feeling left out. I've never written about cooking before. So now I'm gonna.

Nyer.

Although, my dog Starbuck is feeling left out, as well. He'd much rather me actually try to cook something instead of write about trying to cook something. But, that ain't happening right now, so he's gonna have to deal with staring at the back of my head for a few.

Starbuck staring at the back of my head

Anyway, some background. I suck in the kitchen. Suck. Completely. Primarily because I've never really tried to cook anything before (spaghetti and steaks don't count). Oh, sure, I've long thought that I'd be awesome in the kitchen - given ingredient lists, recipes, and instructions - but that's just vanity speaking. One just doesn't know until one just tries.

So, after a friend of mine sent me a custom-made cookbook, I decided to put my money where my vanity was.

Step one, obviously, was picking a recipe out of the cookbook to try. The three frontrunners were: Thai Chicken Curry, Pepperoni Linguini, and Salt and Pepper Squid (Laxative Pork didn't make the list... yes... there's a recipe in my book called "Laxative Pork").

Well, the pasta looked a bit too simple (I wanted to challenge myself) and the squid looked a bit too challenging (I wanted something simple), so I went with the obvious choice of Thai Chicken Curry.

Step two, obviously (I'm gonna say "obviously" a lot since I'm assuming most of you can actually cook... I, however, cannot), is to go to the grocery store and buy what's on the ingredients list.

*Before I continue, let me iterate that upon discovering that I was being made a custom cookbook, I specifically requested that each recipe have a comprehensive list of ingredients so I know what to buy.

Okay, so I went to the store. Some immediate issues with the ingredient list:

• It called for Red Thai Curry Paste. The store I went to only had Red Thai Curry Sauce. So I bought Red Indian Curry Paste. I was scolded for this later.
• It called for a can of bamboo shoots. As I would learn later, adding bamboo shoots is nowhere in the recipe.
• It called for sprigs of fresh coriander. I asked if cilantro was an acceptable substitution. This caused a great deal of confusion. Not that it mattered... adding coriander is nowhere in the recipe.
• I forgot to get baby corn.
• I also forgot the brown sugar.
• And I might as well tell you know... the recipe DOES call for water chestnuts... which weren't on the ingredients list.

So, all in all... pretty much a disaster from the get-go. But it's all good.

A few days after my shopping spree, I went ahead and attempted the dish. After filleting my chicken fillets and cutting the onions so as not to resemble onion rings, this is what it all looked like:

Starbuck looks delicious with onions... er... forget I mentioned that...

Of course, I forgot that I needed knives and shit (yes, I used the word "shit" when writing about cooking... deal with it). Luckily, my mother has a propensity to worry that I don't have everything I need to succeed in a domicile and somehow hid a box of knives (complete with wood cutting board) in the stuff my sister brought down here last summer. I had to learn what each knife was properly called since, you know, I used to just call them by my other trade names (decapitator, de-finger-er, de-eyeballer, etc.)

The Torture Tools... to be used on myself, apparently

Oh, yeah... from left to right: paring knife, sharpener, roast fork, utility knife (on top of the roast fork), cleaver, carving knife (on top of the cleaver), bread knife (that's the de-finger-er), boning knife (de-eyeballer), chef knife. Take that!

Here's a picture of the ingredients that I know I didn't mess up. Because, well, they're pre-packaged.

The, well, pre-packaged crap

And here's what the dish looked like in stages of cooking:

Stage 1: Chucking Shit In

Stage 2: Turning Shit Orange

Stage 3: Shit's Getting Watery

Stage 4: Thicker Shit

Stage 5: Shit on Jasmine Rice

I screwed up the rice, by the way. In the microwave. That takes skill.

After completion, I fed some of this (Indian) Thai Chicken Curry to my buddy and he seemed to not hate it. More importantly, he didn't keel over and die, so I was able to subsist off of curry for a couple of days.

Hmm... I might have to stick with the spaghetti and steak.

That, people, is how write to about cooking.

Long Overdue Useless Opinions

So, I'm having a grand old time in limbo... no, really, I actually am. No responsibilities (save the pets), fewer bills (along with less income, but who cares), and a general sense of "chill." I like "chill," particularly when it's in quotation marks. But I hate the cold... oh, do I hate the cold. Is that irony? I'm not entirely sure, but I'm of the opinion that it is not.

Ah, well.

I'm also having a grand old time redesigning this place, as some can tell. On December 7th (Pearl Harbor day here in the United States) I finally implemented that long-elusive 3-column format here. I could've cheated and simply uploaded a 3-column template from some website, but I like to do things myself. Of course, I had a bit of help finding the right html coding from my friend, Kate W., but I shall forever after fail to attribute any credit to her. In other words: forget what you just read and pretend I did it all myself.

Anyway, I've noticed that this place has evolved from a forum in which I ranted or raved about particular issues (as well as my life) into a exhibition of early drafts of some of my creative work. I'm not sure if it's going to stay that way, but it might, as I find myself almost completely bereft of interest in news and politics as of late. US budget crisis? Who cares? I've been in a budget crisis since 2003, and I'm still around. Universal Health Care? Who cares? I'm a veteran who receives disability from the government (although I do admit that I sorely need to visit a dentist). Um... what else is happening in the world? What? We have a black President???

Ahem... since I have "evolved" (love quotations... LOVE 'em), I'm going to go back to my roots and be superficially opinionated for the day. Without further amusement... whatever...

Onions
Hate 'em. But I eat 'em. And I actually kinda like 'em, so forget I said anything.

Football
American football, mind you; not that overrated European/South American phenomenon that moves way too slowly to be considered a sport. I was going somewhere with this, but I'm lost now...

Democrats
I have come to realize that the term is a contradiction. Democracy is defined as "a government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised by them directly..." But here in the US, at least, Democrats are people who want the government to tell them what to do, how to do it, and then provide for it on top of that. Isn't that oligarchy? Ah, well, I don't really care.

Republicans
There used to be a John Wayne-influenced phenomenon among the right in the United States that "America is a Republic, not a democracy." Yeah, well, look up the definitions of the two... a democracy is, by definition, a Republic. Again, I don't really care, but I just had to point that out.

Daily Cartoons
The sole reason that Saturdays are no longer worshiped by young children anymore. Nickelodeon, you are the Devil!

The Devil
Not real. Enough said. Moving on.

Garlic
I do hate garlic, but I like using garlic powder in the rare instances that involve me cooking something. And I like garlic when prepared by someone who knows what they're doing. So I just contradicted myself again. Big whoop, I do it all the time.

Xhe
I find it odd when I see people using this word. And, yes, there are people using this word. If you have no idea what I'm referring to, read this: He and She Presents: Xhe!

Ninjas
Ninjas are cool. One on one, there is no pirate who can defeat a ninja. However, there are few (if any) ninjas who know how to sail and assault other ships. So, at sea, pirates ARE the ninjas. Anyway, it's a sad state of Japanese cultural affairs when one visits a "ninja school" in Japan and sees nothing but nerdy white guys who essentially make up their own rules of what constitutes ninjitsu and call themselves ninja.

No, that is not a joke. This is what has really happened. It's very disturbing.

Soccer
Or, "association football," is not as cool as American football. So there.

Hockey
Remains the coolest sport to watch.

Sleep
An excellent activity. And it might be calling...

Realistic Resolutions for the New Year

New Year's resolutions are bunk. We all know that. Hell, anyone checking at my resolutions for 2007 would know that I didn't keep any of them.

So, this year, I'm going to make some that I know I can keep.

1. I resolve to eat lots of food, ignoring any possible health risks caused by said food.

2. I resolve to pet my cats and dogs, even while neglecting their desire to go for long walks.

3. I resolve to imbibe in alcohol, smoke an occasional cigarette, and throw up once or twice.

4. I resolve to watch a lot of movies, keep up with certain television series, and play video games when I have the time.

5. I resolve to cuss out someone who insults me, making them feel really small and really stupid.

6. I resolve to waste a lot of time on the Internet, remaining oblivious to the fact that there are other, more productive, tasks that require my attention.

7. I resolve to drive on the highways like they are my highways, acting as though the rest of the drivers out there are merely borrowing my road space.

8. I resolve to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions due to my own self-centered and narcissistic tendencies.

9. I resolve to spend more money than I should, buy more things than I need, and deplete my savings in the name of fun.

There... that's better.

White Supremacists Must Be Boring

Like a lot of people, I read about those white supremacist twins in the last couple of days... you know, the ones who have that Neo-Nazi band that promotes "white purity." The irony of these twins is two-fold. First, their music absolutely sucks. I'm not saying that just because I'm a minority and I hate racists... I'm saying that because their music absolutely sucks. Second, is that the twins are quite cute, and could theoretically be the next Mary Kate & Ashley jailbait countdown if they weren't so, well, stupid.

Anyway, all this shit got me to thinking... White supremacists must be really boring people.

Think about it... they probably don't watch a lot of sports, given the proliferation of non-white athletes. Major League Baseball? Nope. Major League Soccer? Haha... no. National Football League and National Basketball Association? Oh, fuck no. Even honkey-stalwart sports institutions such as the National Hockey League and the Professional Golf Association have been "infiltrated" by >gasp< people of color. I guess that leaves NASCAR... but isn't there a black driver working his way up the Busch Series now? Uh oh.

We've already established how shitty their music is... but lets check off the other arts. Movies? No... Sydney Poitier ruined film for the Aryans years ago... and Will Smith isn't helping them out at all. I guess when the KKK decide to make a short film, they go to the movies, but that doesn't seem very often. Television? No. In fact, are they even allowed to watch television? Since 100% of color TVs in America are foreign made? Can't be supporting those zipperhead Japs and Kim-Chee Koreans now, can they?

While we're on that subject... what do they drive? Ford and Chevrolet are inundated by foreign parts and design influences, so I'm assuming they're out. Do they drive Chryslers? I guess they would, since the Germans own them now.

Do they have cell phones? I'm trying to imagine the Grand Dragon of the KKK calling the head of the Aryan Nation on his Samsung or Nokia camera phone. What about stereos? Seriously... is it against their beliefs to buy non-white made products? Should white supremacists just devolve into a quasi-Amish society? Maybe they'd breed themselves out that way.

Are they allowed to eat oranges since orange groves are largely tended by Mexican workers? Can they eat the foods that have Jewish blessings indicated on them? I guess they have to grow their own food, eh?

Do they even read? I mean, the Chinese developed the art of print, you know. Can they even surf the Internet with their Dell computers with Korean or Malaysian-produced motherboards?

I guess my theory must be sound. White supremacists aren't just ignorantly stupid, they're also stupidly boring.