So Cruel; C'est la Vie

*Read while listening... it's kinda cool.

We crossed the line
Who pushed who over?

"Take my hand."

"No."

"You'll fall."

"I will if I take your hand."

It was then he learned that broken trust shall not be mended.

It doesn't matter to you
It matters to me

"On the right! Engage right!"

The squad shifts, trying to save what's left from the ambush. He's certain he issued the wrong orders.

It was then he learned that any action is better than none at all.

We're cut adrift
We're still floating

"I should've been there, you know?"

"You can't save the world, man."

"I don't want to save the world. I want my friends back."

"You can't save the world, man."

I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down
My love

"Do you even love me?"

"No."

"Did you ever?"

"Does it matter?"

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me

"I can't see."

"Calm down, bro. Just some blood in your eyes."

"I can't see."

"Calm down. I'm right here."

It was then he learned the true value of a shoulder to lean on.

I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted

"Don't you just, you know, want to be happy?"

"Sure. Who doesn't?"

"Then why don't you smile?"

"I haven't earned it yet."

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass right through you like a ghost

"Shit, dude. She's fucking beautiful."

"I know."

"Then what's the problem?"

"That's what bothers me."

It was then he learned when to walk away.

They look for you, but your spirit is in the air
Baby, you're nowhere

"I'm not saying you should. But I'm not saying you shouldn't."

"I don't play vague, yo."

"Neither do I."

"That's specific, then?"

You say in love there are no rules
Sweet heart, you're so cruel

"Stay on my six. Follow me out."

"I'm scared, Sergeant."

"It's cool. I've already shit my pants. On three, okay?"

"Yes, Sergeant."

Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time

"You've never seen a woman that just took your breath away?"

"Sure, I guess. That scares you?"

"Yeah, that scares me."

"Life ain't worth living if you're not afraid."

It was then he learned the value of a cliché.

You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

"I think you're a coward."

"Never said I wasn't."

"You're a walking contradiction."

"Never said I wasn't."

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love

"I'm not sure I'm cut out for this."

"None of us are. We just pretend to like it."

"Do you like it?"

"Fuck no, it's terrifying. But what a fucking rush."

It was then he learned he was meant to be a paratrooper.

Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

"If I leave, I'm not coming back."

"I'm counting on it."

"You never loved me, did you?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

You say in love there are no rules
Sweet heart, you're so cruel

"You're obsessed."

"I know, I know. I'll get over it."

"When?"

"When the time is right."

It was then he decided to shoot for the stars.

She wears my love like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else

"I was a dick to him the last time I saw him."

"He forgives you, man. Don't let it get to you."

"I know, but... fuck, dude."

"We've all been there."

Oh love, like a screaming flower
Love, dying every hour

"Why didn't you answer the phone?"

"Kinda tired of your shit."

"I needed you."

"No, you didn't."

You don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher
Head in heaven, fingers in the mire

"You've fallen in love with an impression."

"That impression has been better for me than reality."

"You say that now, but you're gonna be disappointed."

"I'm already disappointed. Might as well enjoy the view."

Her heart is racing, you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut

"What are you running from? Nobody's pushing you."

"I'm not running from anything."

"Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit."

"I'm gonna go now."

It was then he realized he was running.

Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot

"Help me. Please."

"I've got you. Hang on."

"I can't feel my legs."

"Hang on."

You say in love there are no rules
Sweet heart, you're so cruel

"I don't know what to do. I don't even care."

"Yeah, well, you'll never change."

"Scary, isn't it?"

"Not really. Just remember, it's all so fucking hilarious."

To stay with you I'd be a fool
Sweet heart, you're so cruel

"Wherever you go, there you are."

"That's my line."

"I'm stealing it. Don't be a stranger."

"I won't. I'll be back."

It was then he found his smile.

The Lovers Spectra

Hues disperse as they run away from me. Vermilion, long abandoned, laughs in the distance. The brothers Crimson and Maroon stand together, forming an image of a bleeding heart, but the Blood soon runs out. Whoever made the mistake of attributing Red to love never understood what it meant to be angry. The Cardinal flies to catch its fleeting bird while Scarlet looks on as her lover flees Tara. Bloodshot eyes amid alcohol's Blush fail to numb Rosy cheeks. The sunset reveals brief Magenta as it fades, first into Lavender, then into the arms of Ultramarine and Navy.

She smiles under a Turquoise light, satisfied that her Cerulean dreams no longer include me. Eyes, Azure in mood, though not in color, stare right through the indignance of a shade lost between Blue and Violet. The effective absence of Indigo reveals my ultimate fate: lost and alone under the cold stars of Cobalt, whose lights are too far away to provide warmth.

Fade to Black.

The Brothers Three

For nearly five years, they were three. The first, a stray, was clearly the one in charge. Mostly due to his commanding personality, of course, but it also helped that he still had his testicles. The second, the largest (yet most gentle), was a simple and loyal soul. The only one of pure blood, he never seemed to rub it in, deferring all shows of force to the first. The third, a rescue, was extremely stubborn and extremely smart. An escape artist and a bad influence, the group's cheerleader. He put the hound in Houdini... never mind the "n" out of place.

Each were well traveled. All having originated in North Carolina, each had made there way to California and back again. Sure, sometimes the first and the third got away, succumbing to their exploratory urges, but they would always come back. The second never ran off, save for a brief period of time in which he suffered unexplained seizures and would wander in the subsequent confusion. So, for nearly five years, no matter the weather, no matter the location, no matter the state of mind, they were three. A pack of mock wolves; a group of four-legged miscreants; a collection of wilderness falsely domesticated.

But, now, after loading up in their master's truck for one more trip from North Carolina to California, the first and the third decided to explore once again, leaving the second behind. Where once was three, there is now only one. Where once was the sound of dogs wrestling in the yard, there is now only the silhouette of a German Shepherd waiting for the return of his adopted siblings. Where once there was joy in a master's glance, there is only worried pessimism. And a lack of sleep.

For his collection has dwindled to a solitary dog.

The Irony of Cats and My Life

I have, in my lifetime, owned nine cats. Ten if you count the stray Pete and I tried to adopt before our hateful, anti-people, anti-animal landlady kidnapped him (her?) and shipped him away.

I received the first of those nine cats while I was living in Fayetteville, NC, in 2003, I think, from my girlfriend at the time. She had caught Lancelot in her old neighborhood and brought him to me. He was a doll, I must say... big eyes, scared shitless of my dog, Jax, and loved to attack my toes and my eyelids while I slept (the latter of which is quite frightening when you think about it). I didn't have him long. A stupid fight led to Lancelot running away in the middle of a golf course. I found him a few weeks later, but by then he had been acclimated to running with the other feral cats... and besides, some old lady was taking care of him.

My next two cats were Galahad and Guinevere (noticing a pattern?). I was to pick up Galahad as part of my apology for scaring Lancelot away, but when I got to where I was to get him, I noticed Guinevere. She looked a lot like Lancelot, which was one of the reasons I picked her up. Little did I know that this decision would turn my household into a fucking zoo. Galahad ran away shortly after I moved to Wilmington, NC, in August or September of 2004. He just really wanted to go home to Fayetteville, I think. He ran out of the house while I was shooting a student film. One of my buddies offered to chase him down, but I assured him that Galahad would come back. I was wrong. At the time, Galahad was my favorite cat.

Guinevere ran away while I was stuck in Dayton, NV, this past June. I saw her out the window, walking by my dad's truck. Had I known that was the last time I'd have seen her, I'd have went outside to play with her one last time. At the time, she, like Galahad, was my favorite.

While still in Fayetteville, Galahad and Guinevere had a litter of four cats. We named them Gawain, Tristan, Merlin, and Vivianne. Merlin and Vivianne were given to my roommate at the time, Joe, while my then-girlfriend convinced me to keep Gawain and Tristan.

Gawain died while in Wilmington. He had been sick, came home with some cuts from a fight... my girlfriend let him outside on accident. I never saw him again. When he had disappeared, Guinevere had been gone on a "vacation" (she came back later), so, as before, he had been my favorite.

Tristan disappeared last week. He wasn't my favorite, but he had been my girlfriend's favorite, and I feel a deep and quite strange sense of guilt for having lost him. What makes it worse is that the day he disappeared, I could've sworn I heard a stuck cat meowing from underneath my truck as I drove to work... my dumb ass chalked it up to the radio, but I'll never know for sure, and it makes me ill.

While in Wilmington, Guinevere had given birth to another litter of Galahad's children (he had run away by this time). This litter was named Arthur, Kay, Sagremor, and Isolde. For some odd reason, I kept all of them.

Isolde ran away the day after Guinevere did. I don't know why. Maybe because she was mad that I just spayed her two days prior. I've seen her and Guinevere together once since then, but it was in the middle of the night in an open field a couple of miles from me. They looked healthy, and none of my traps were working, so I forced myself to let them go.

Arthur died early in August of this year. He was sick, and one day decided just to go somewhere and die. I'm still sick to my stomach about it. Guess what? He had been my favorite, too.

Kay and Sagremor are all that are left of my nine cats. The irony here is that, prior to leaving Wilmington, I had decided to get rid of two cats in order to alleviate myself of some of the burden of taking care of so many animals. Guess which two?

I sure am glad that I'm stubborn when it comes to pets.

I was going to tie this story into something relevant, but I've just depressed myself... have a nice day.