The Return of Fortune Cookies

Perhaps it's because I haven't been imbibing in Chinese food (or, more accurately, Japanese food) as often as I used to (I do miss my Fire Bowl delivery in Wilmington), or perhaps it's just because I've been ranting and raving about other irrelevant things, but I've not done fortune cookies in quite a while.

Probably both.

Anyway, I'm wasting time. Presenting: the return of the fortune cookie!

• "Before you take revenge on an adulterer, dig two graves. They were with someone else, after all!" 
• "Your heart does not get as confused as your head... probably because hearts can't think."
• "An unexpected relationship will become permanent. Fucking tax auditors!"
• "Judge not according to appearance. With the lights off, it all feels the same."
• "An angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes. An angry woman can make an angry man happy."
• "Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. As such, you will never meet them."
• "You will live a long, happy life. Relatively speaking, you already have."
• "True friends ask only for your time, not your money. Spouses ask for both."
• "Confucius says: nothing. He's been dead for a while."
• "Take note of fortunes. One of them will be the last one you ever read."

Even More Fortune Cookies

I haven't had any Chinese food lately, but I'm certainly fiending for some. After all, where else would I get my fortune cookie jokes from?

Actually, the last fortune cookie I had was very rudely taken from me. The culprit broke open the cookie, took the fortune, and threw the cookie away. See my luck? I was fucking hungry, too.

Anyway, more realistic fortunes for your enjoyment...

"Confucius says: don't put any stock in stupid strips of paper."

"Ideas are like children. Yours are bad, you just won't admit it."

"Many happy days are yet to come. Many sad ones, too, but let's not go there."

"Ain't no fucking tortoise ever beat a hare in a race."

"Follow your nightmares; they're dreams, too."

"Love is around the corner. $100 an hour, love you long time."

"It is much wiser to take advice than to give it. Which means the person talking to you is an idiot."

"Any rough times are behind you. When you leave the table, don't say you weren't warned."

"$12 for this food, and all you get is this lousy fortune."

"Confucius says: I'd tell you to enjoy your meal, but you already ate."

Personalized Fortune Cookies

So I had Chinese food last night, and I wound up with two fortune cookies (my lucky day, right?). Here's what they said: "You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time." and "You look happy and proud."

Wow. How fucking insightful. I'm sure a ton of people would jump at the chance at refuting those, both in application to me and to themselves.

But, they must be true. After all, each one had smiley faces on them and lucky lottery numbers on the back.

Seriously, there needs to be a better market for personalized fortune cookies. Here are some more suggestions:

"Beauty is only skin deep. But you're superficial, so you knew that already."

"The person sitting across from you is thinking about someone else."

"People are flakes. I'm just a fortune cookie."

"Take heart. Nobody else thinks your friend's newborn baby is cute, either."

"Don't worry about making money. Worry about the Secret Service when they come to arrest you for forgery."

"Your smile goes a long way. It'd probably go longer if you were also holding a gun."

"In the Kingdom of the Blind, it's okay to masturbate in public."

"Don't believe the hype. No straw ever broke a camel's back."

"I'd tell you Jesus loves you, but since I'm Buddhist, I'd be lying."

"If you love someone, let them go. Just make sure you have their car keys."

What My Fortune Cookies Should Say

You ever notice that fortune cookies are becoming more and more lame these days? Even often to the point that they don't even give you true fortunes... just general bullshit philosophies that could apply to anybody, or nobody at all.

Anyway, I'm currently exhausted, but somehow the idea popped into my brain that I know what a fortunes should say... were fortune cookies actually prescient in some way.

"You're the last to know because you're the last to care."

"You will experience boredom because you're bored by everything."

"You dreams will come true because you don't sleep."

"What you learn in life will not help you in death."

"You will soon talk to someone who will annoy the piss out of you."

"Night lights only make it easier for the boogey man to see you."

"Don't wish upon a falling star. It's only a rock hurtling to its doom."

"You can have your cake and eat it too. It's called 'having cake.'"

"Faith and Hope are important to keep locked up safe. Just make sure the FBI can't see them through your windows."

"Ask a lot of questions. Just don't expect any answers."