Irreviews, 2010: Issue V

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009)
Director: Troy Duffy
Writer(s): Troy Duffy, Taylor Duffy (story)
Starring: Sean Patrick Flanery, Norman Reedus, Billy Connolly
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The long-awaited, oft-delayed sequel to the overrated (but enjoyable) direct-to-DVD "hit," The Boondock Saints. Though ostensibly a continuation of the first film, it's actually a bit of a remake... and, boy, are its tricks old. Everything that was "cool" or "nifty" in the first film is redone here in the hopes that it's as "cool" or "nifty" the second time. Unfortunately, it is not. Troy Duffy is a hack, and this film proves it. Quite literally, the only good part of the movie is Julie Benz, extraordinarily gorgeous as always. Other than that... lame.
Verdict: SKIP it. Let this franchise die... or, at least, help take it away from Troy Duffy.

Ladyhawke (1985)
Director: Richard Donner
Writer(s): Edward Khmara, Michael Thomas, Tom Mankiewicz, David Webb Peoples
Starring: Matthew Broderick, Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer
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I never knew Richard Donner tried his hand at fantasy until I perused a friend's DVD collection. Though he claims the movie stinks (why it's in his collection, I'll never know), as a fan of Donner and fantasy film, I gave it a shot. And, you know what? It wasn't that bad. The premise follows a warrior who, by night, is a wolf. His lover, by day, is a hawk. As a result, neither gets to spend much time with the other as people. Because, you know, that's what curses do. A bit heavy on its modern feel, the film is nevertheless enjoyable, if short of being great. I can see this being remade.
Verdict: SEE it.

Legion (2010)
Director: Scott Stewart
Writer(s): Peter Schink, Scott Stewart
Starring: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson
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Hollywood loves its religious thrillers (I believe I've stated this before... many times), but it rarely ever digs deeply into the histories of those religions. As a result, we're often left disappointed in what could have been powerful films, even within the action genre. All that aside, Legion is a very, very interesting concept, if executed rather poorly. Parts of the film are great, while other parts are ridiculous. Often, the shift from great to ridiculous happens sequentially. The religiosity is superficial and the story misses out on any great commentary or analysis. One can reach the conclusion that this was meant to be the Christian version of The Matrix (something that Constantine tried to be, but failed), but Legion lacks even the accidental depth of that particular film.
Verdict: depends on how much you like the genre and lame interpretations of Western religion.

The Lovely Bones (2009)
Director: Peter Jackson
Writer(s): Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson, Alice Sebold (novel)
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Rachel Weisz, Stanley Tucci
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Peter Jackson wants to garner some long-lost "indie cred." So Peter Jackson creates a film based upon the novel The Lovely Bones and tries to copy the tone of his breakout work, Heavenly Creatures (a great film, by the way). But Peter Jackson fails. What he gives us is a beautiful-looking film, but beautiful in the way that glamor models are beautiful: all makeup and no substance. Despite its disturbing subject matter (serial murder, child murder, and hints of pedophilia), Jackson chooses to film this as a "happy" movie, and the result is horribly irritating. The subtext of the film did not match nor complement its context. I guess you could even say that Jackson did such a good job of portraying limbo (or whatever it was), you don't even care that the characters inhabiting it are dead. In fact, you want to go there yourself. The acting is decent, with Stanley Tucci filling his role with twisted zeal. Rachel Weisz is solid while Mark Wahlberg is over-the-top. Oddly enough, Wahlberg's style is a much better fit for this annoying movie.
Verdict: SKIP it. It's an irritating film (I may have mentioned that already).

Quigley Down Under (1990)
Director: Simon Wincer
Writer(s): John Hill
Starring: Tom Selleck, Laura San Giacomo, Alan Rickman
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For whatever reason, Tom Selleck has never made his mark on the big screen (probably his fault for backing out of Raiders of the Lost Ark). Still, his occasional forays tend to be rather entertaining (his recent work notwithstanding). An American Western that takes place in Australia, where the American protagonist falls in love with a crazy American woman who somehow wound up in Australia, there's a lot to like about this film. The story is a bit run of the mill, but the characters themselves make this movie. Laura San Giacomo's subplot provides a nice emotional piece, while Alan Rickman plays a delicious villain (but what else is new?). Selleck just fills the screen as a macho cowboy. And, I guess, that's all the movie needs.
Verdict: SEE it. Not great, but entertaining enough.

10 Overrated Movies

Oh, come on... you had to have seen this coming. Haven't you ever seen a movie that, maybe you liked it and maybe you didn't, definitely didn't deserve the accolades it got? Well, I have (usually once a week). Or a movie that you felt was so utterly stupid, it darkened your already dim view in humanity because everyone you know liked it? Yeah, don't get me started (new Star Wars trilogy... ahem).

And now, the list:

1. Bad Boys II - seriously, what the fuck was Jerry Bruckheimer thinking? I mean, this even before those two rather bland Pirates of the Carribean sequels. Better yet, what the fuck was Will Smith thinking? I get Martin Lawrence, struggling to find work and all, but c'mon, Smith. Stupid plot, over-the-top plot, weak plot, crap plot, shit plot. And TNT? Tactical Narcotics Team? Give me a fucking break. Cuba? Agh!

2. The Boondock Saints - a cult classic that has no business being a cult classic. Well, no, I take that back. I actually kind of like this movie, but it's no wonder it didn't get a theatrical release. Never mind the fact that writer/director Troy Duffy is apparently a putz, but the ending is quite possibly the worst ending a "cult classic" could have. I'd say "agh" again, but I did that already.

3. Brokeback Mountain - bad movie? No. Well-shot, well-acted, well-written movie? Yes. Good movie? Obviously. Great movie? Oh, HELL no. Sorry, but everyone with half-a-brain knows that the only reason this film got accolades was because of its subject matter. Yes, I get it. And, yes, I think a movie like this needed to be made. But it's no better a love story than, well, Love Story.

4. Flags of Our Fathers - eh, I'm actually on the fence with this one, but it certainly wasn't a very streamlined movie. Sure, war is chaos, but we still need a better character to latch on to than Ryan Phillippe's. And that ending? COME ON. Saving Private Ryan almost ruined itself with the "old-guy-in-the-future" schtick; Clint should've learned a lesson. Ah, well. At least he totally blew the top off with Letters from Iwo Jima. Now THAT was a great film.

5. The Lost World: Jurassic Park - um... um... Mr. Spielberg? Do I really need to get into this? Probably, seeing as how it grossed around $230 million the United States alone. People are idiots.

6. The Matrix - now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love this movie. However, we all know that despite the fact that it broke technological ground in Hollywood, was a kick-ass action flick, and just all-around rocked, it was its so-called pop-culturization of philosophy that really made this film a hit. Yeah, right. Or so we all thought until the next two films came out... and proved the Wachowski brothers were merely high on the right combination of drugs when they wrote The Matrix.

7. Mission: Impossible 2 - hmm... does anyone else think that John Woo just really, really wanted to make a James Bond movie? And a really, really bad James Bond movie at that. Let's see... Anthony Hopkins as M? Check. Thandie Newton as wannabe Bond girl? Check. Tom Cruise as James Bond? Almost check. And that endo on the bike? Yikes. Too bad Tom Cruise went nuts prior to the third film being released (a decent film, I might add). People might still respect the franchise.

8. The Searchers - Steven Spielberg once mentioned that The Searchers is one of the films he watches before directing a movie. For fuck's sake, why? This movie sucks! Of all the great films John Wayne and John Ford did together, The Searchers enters the lexicon as their greatest? It sucks! Cliche after fucking cliche. And it sucked at it! It sucks! What is wrong with you people?

9. The Sixth Sense - I've often claimed that M. Night Shyamalan has only made one really good movie. And, dudes, this ain't it. You call that a twist? Maybe, had he not given it away in the first 10 minutes... oh, and in the fucking marketing. Sure, it wasn't bad, but ask yourself this: how many times have you watched it since the first time? Maybe once, after which you realized, "man, this movie ain't all that."

10. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith - Oh. my. fuck. By this time, George Lucas had so effectively trained everyone not to expect much, that even many critics were claiming that Revenge of the Sith is one of the better Star Wars movies. Um, not. Hayden Christensen sucks. George Lucas can't direct. The Jedi "cleansing" was anti-climactic. Hell, everything was anti-climactic. Luke and Leia's birth? I'm surprised I was still awake. I think everyone needs to come to their senses and just start pretending that Lucas quit with Return of the Jedi.

Oh, this list could be much, much longer, but the interest of my sanity, I shall stop.

Anyone feel like arguing?