A Cigarette When You Don't Want One

Smoking's a crutch in so many ways. It's an excuse, an abuse, and a reason to drink more coffee. People trying to quit, like myself, look for anything negative or otherwise not ideal to serve as motivation to light up a smoke. I had a bad day, for instance, which is why there's a pack of fresh Camel Turkish Silvers on my desk. And, yeah, I hate myself for it. There's nothing worse than a hypocrite. Other than a liar, of course, but I guess hypocrisy is nothing more than lying to oneself.

It's strange, though, the first cigarette smoked after an extended period of not smoking tends to flood both the mind and the body with strange and enlightening memories. I can't explain it in words, really, but I'm fairly certain any smoker reading this will know what I'm talking about. There's that flash of innocence from the way ash overwhelms the taste buds. Maybe it's a reminder of innocence lost... a fleeting glimpse into a personal history before an initial cigarette was ever smoked.

Not sure I've ever written about it, but I started smoking for the most retarded of reasons: a girl. Yep. I'm an idiot. Now that I'm older I feel qualified to throw this piece of advice out there: don't ever do anything just to impress a girl. Or, if you are a girl, don't ever do anything just to impress a guy. It's just going to backfire anyway. In my case, it's led to damn near 10 years of lungs that should be a lot cleaner.

Actually, come to think of it, I didn't actually start smoking around this particular specimen of the female gender. That honor goes to a few soldiers I served with, and a few days of hedonism in Las Vegas. I mean, shit, what else are you going to do in Vegas other than be hedonistic? Then again, one can argue that the first few cigarettes one smokes are most certainly not pleasurable, so I guess there's that hypocrisy thing again.

I did mention that cigarettes make people justify the most inane of actions, no?

Adding to the ridiculousness of it all, I would tell people that I learned how to smoke while researching a role for a script I had written. Keep in mind that this was years before I was even peripherally introduced to the film industry. A young shit-talker full of shit. And, obviously, attempting to hide the real reason for the suicidal slow burn.

But, I've had a bad day. And it's too late to clear up the smoke in the room. So I guess I'll just have another cigarette I don't even really want.