Bad Drivers I: The Nervous Old Woman

In this series of stereotypical, racist, sexist, and ageist blogs, I will examine the bane of all of those mentally and physically competent drivers who man the roads: bad drivers.

We all know who they are; we all know where they are; we all know what they are. Bastards with a driver's license.

First up: the nervous old woman.

Imagine yourself enjoying a nice drive through the country, on an old, unassuming road with a 55 mile-per-hour speed limit. Few people are on the road, things are flowing smoothly. And then you see it. Off in the distance, an old, 80s-era K-car putt-putt-puttering its way in the same direction of travel as yourself.

You gain on it quickly, of course, as it seems to be only averaging 40 MPH, while you, not one to obey every law to the letter, travel about 60 to 62 MPH. As you close, you think you see a driver, but aren't sure. The nearer you get, the more it seems like all you see is a steering wheel with a pair of hands on it. But then, the reveal: a gray poof of hair just level with the steering wheel. Oh, shit... it's an old woman.

Annoyed, you slow down to 40 to maintain speed, waiting your chance to pass as oncoming traffic makes its way by. Then you slow down to 37, then speed up to 42, then back down to 35, then up to 45. Finally, irritated beyond all belief, you attempt to pass.

But...

The old hag freaks out and starts swerving nervously, frighteningly. You hesitate in your attempt, as you fear she might swerve into you. You curse your bad luck... and try again.

This time, she holds fairly still, but for some odd reason, accelerates to match your speed, as if she's somehow following you. Oncoming semi... fuck... you slow down, get behind the bitch, and wait for a two-lane road.

We've all been there; I was just there a couple of hours ago.

Solution: mandatory full driver's tests every renewal period for all drivers over 65. Then, after 75, mandatory full driver's tests every year.

The old hag might have a problem with this, of course, but I don't care. I'm self-centric.

Have a nice day, and vote for Clint Eastwood... who is old enough to need annual driving tests.

Los Angeles Traffic

Everyone knows that a shitload of new miles of road are about to be planted through California, particularly the headache areas of Los Angeles, San Diego, and the Bay Area. This is, clearly, a good idea intent on alleviate a lot of the fucked up traffic in these metro areas. Unfortunately, I'm thinking it's not going to make much of a difference.

Think about this... other than that really weird disappearance of freeway lanes between Orange County and Los Angeles County, the number of lanes on the 5, the 405, etc., doesn't really seem to be the problem. I'm actually of the opinion that there are plenty enough freeway lanes through Southern California. The bottlenecks (other than the one mentioned above) don't seem to be the interstates at all, it's the fucking exit ramps.

Seriously, how many times have you driven through SoCal and made decent time in the center or far left lanes. Yes, I understand you're still moving way under the speed limit, but take a look at the far right lanes... the ones that lead to off ramps taking you to Pico, Santa Monica, Olympic, whatever. THEY'RE ALL FUCKING BACKED UP.

And why? Well, shit, most of them only have one exit lane. If you're lucky, there might be two. What Los Angeles needs are off ramps that are two to three lanes wide. Yes, this isn't going to solve all the problems, as 3+ million people in one area is going to lead to bad traffic regardless, but damn... instead of worrying about those two or three spaghetti bowl interchanges, start worrying about those smaller bottlenecks called off-ramps. If people can get off the interstates quickly and efficiently, they won't be stuck on the interstate, backing it up, slowing down the other six lanes of traffic.

Of course, I don't really know much about urban or highway planning, but this sure as shit makes sense to me.

The Following People Can Kiss My Ass:

People who feel their phone conversation is more important than the traffic they're in.

Minorities who throw "exclusive" parties, proms, etc., but cry "racist" every time whites do the same.

Raiders fans.

Rich and famous people who feel their fame and fortune is deserved, and not earned. Yes, this is a not-so-subtle jab at certain actors and athletes.

Actors in general.

Dodgers fans.

People who don't like dogs.

Late teenagers in college debating politics like they know something about it.

Members of al-Qaida (al Qai'da; al-Qaeda; al-Queera; al-a-I'm-a-moron).

The writers of Battlestar Galactica, who took a great premise and a great show, and turned it into a inconsistent soap opera not even worth of being called a soap opera.

Religions fundamentalists (any religion).

Extreme leftists.

Extreme rightists.

Al Sharpton, Don Imus, Jesse Jackson, Rush Limbaugh. Bet you never thought you'd see those four in the same sentence in your lifetime...

Bad drivers with those "what would Jesus do?" fish on their cars. Not sure, but I'm guessing he wouldn't be breaking any traffic laws.

Homosexuals who think that everyone who doesn't like gays is a homophobe.

People who don't like gays, including homophobes.

Natalie Portman, for not seeking me out and falling irresistably in love with me.

Helen Mirren, for not seeking me out and falling irresistably in love with me, and for being born 33 years before me.

Jessica Simpson, for playing Daisy Duke when you cleary didn't cut it.

Marge Simpson, for not seeking me out and falling irresistably in love with me, and for not being real.

Wannabe "artists" who think they're already good enough at their art; it's everyone else who doesn't "get it." Oh, yes, you know who I'm talking to.

Those door-to-door college-aged magazine salespeople. Seriously, how long do you think we're going to believe that you're "barely beating your competitors" (ususally guys versus girls), and that you're "this close" to winning a trip to Costa Rica. Word of advice, if you're going to lie about being a communications student from USC, make sure you know the name of the communications program there.

Military "lifers" who think that people who get out to pursue other things are losers.

People who get out of the military to pursue other things who think that military lifers are losers.

The execs at NBC who cancelled The Black Donnellys after hurting its chances by "skipping" an episode. Seriously, how did Jimmy get out of jail?

Anti-war, pro-soldier people. As if that's not oxymoronic at all.

People who quit reading this blog entry before now.

Traffic Musings

None of this will be anything new for anyone who isn't a moron, but I just feel like writing some things down pertaining to driving...

If you're in the left lane, and someone behind you is going faster than you, get the fuck out of the left lane. Passing on the right is dangerous, makes both drivers look like assholes, and is just downright inconvenient.

There are these cool little blinking lights on the sides of every vehicle. They're called turn signals... use them... even if you're just changing lanes. Hell, ESPECIALLY if you're changing lanes.

Speaking of which, if someone is nice enough to use their turn signal to try a lane change, have some courtesy and let them in.

Oh, how about this... try turning on your turn signal when attempting a lane change BEFORE you check to see if anyone is coming. Seriously, have you ever seen a driver check, turn on a signal, realize they're probably not going to get let in, turn off the signal, then cut someone else off anyway in a fit of impatience? IF YOU LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU WANT OVER, they're more likely to let you over... but this requires giving them enough time to actually notice your stupid signal.

Turn your damn brights off before you enter a curve or cross the crest of the hill. Unless you're really observant, you're not going to know if someone is coming... someone that you'll blind coming around the bend. And if you are really observant, you'd turn your damn brights off anyway, so don't try to justify my previous statement.

Don't tailgate. That just tempts people like me to slam on the brakes.

When you're at a stoplight, it would be appreciated if you spent at least 90% of your time concentrating on the lights, and only 10% looking for your favorite CD, not vice versa.

And finally (for now), get off the damn phone.

Motorcycle Incentives

As someone who splits his time driving through open territory and overcrowded cities, I often find myself complaining about congestion. I know, I know... EVERYONE in overcrowded cities complains about traffic, but they're in the unique position of being forced to deal with it and, as such, are victims of a certain level of "institutionalization" to bad traffic. I, on the hand, usually only drive through shitty traffic when I feel like it. Since I love Los Angeles and San Diego, I usually feel like it quite often, but...

TRAFFIC SUCKS!!!

So one day on the I-405, and everybody goes through this, I notice a couple of motorcycles weaving their way through traffic, doing at least 35 MPH while everyone else was stagnating at 15 or less (in California, motorcycles are still allowed to drive between lanes and between cars). And it occurred to me, why doesn't the government offer mondo incentives for people to drive motorcycles all of the time?

Think about it. Four motorcycles can fit in the amount of roadway that a single normal-sized car requires. Should everyone drive a motorcycle, it would theoretically increase the amount of available road by a multiple of four. An eight-lane freeway would suddenly become a 32-lane freeway. A 50-space parking garage would suddenly become a 200-space parking garage.

And, shit, everyone would use less gasoline. Whats the average for motorcycles these days? 40 MPG? 50?

Now, before you think you're clever because you're figuring out why this won't work, let me beat your ignorant ass to the punch. There are, quite obviously, several issues with this idea. Let's go through some of them one at a time...

1) People are still going to need their station wagons, their trucks, their sedans, their vans, etc. Duh. I know this, everyone knows this. Moms have to take their children to school. Neighbors have to help other neighbors pick up large furniture. Smugglers still have to hide a dozen illegal aliens in the back of their beat-up 70s Chevy van with a Led Zeppelin tape stuck in the cassette player. A motorcycle can not possibly replace larger vehicles 100%. But... all of those people who are simply driving to work? Or simply driving themselves to college classes? Or a movie? Or even a date? Shit... drive a damn motorcycle.

2) The weather doesn't always allow for motorcycles. Really? I thought precipitation and wind were just figments of my imagination. Wow... you are SO smart for figuring that out. Yes... cities like Chicago, Denver, New York, will have HUGE problems instituting a seasonal motorcycle schedule. In fact, I'm not even suggesting that they even try. However, cities like Los Angeles, Anaheim, Las Vegas, San Diego? Their weather is riding weather damn near every day. There's no reason they shouldn't do it.

3) Not everyone can ride a motorcycle. Hello??? This is an "incentive" program. Free lessons for people who buy motorcycles. Duh. We certainly don't want any more Roethlisberger incidents.

And there you have it. There are other benefits, as well. My rare idyllic side has visions of people actually conversing while stopped at traffic lights because, well, you're only a foot from the guy next to you. Who knows? Maybe motorcycles will help add to the human element of a big city.

On second thought...